How Do You Find Me?

"Do you find me too much of a tomboy? I do long to do boy things."
                                                                                   Ivy Walker-The Village

I feel like asking that sometimes. Like when I am talking to guys, and I do as much "guy stuff" as they do. Or sometimes  more. Sometimes I will join in the conversation, and then think, "Oh man, I shouldn't have said that...it makes me sound like a dude." And then there are times that I teach a guy a "manly" skill. Like driving a 4-wheeler, or teaching my cousins to shoot, or something like that.
What is it that determines what is a "guy thing", and what is a "girl thing"? I like working on roofs...I like demolition (such as gutting houses)...I like shooting guns...I like motorcycles, and hiking, and camping, and loads of things that are usually considered boy things.
But then, as far as girl things go; I'm not so keen on shopping (unless it's at a thrift store or something like that), I don't like girl talk very often, I don't wear make-up very often, and I stink at small talk. All of which are considered girl traits.
I do so long to do boy things. And at times, I wonder if perhaps I will always just be considered a tomboy, and not someone who could ever be a good wife and mother. I mean, I do girl things. I love to cook, I enjoy wearing skirts, etc, etc. But probably 80% of the time, I am doing boy things.
I wonder at times if I should change. Maybe I should be more of a woman. But then I give up on that idea. Why should I quit doing what I want to do just because of what people think? It's like Ivy's situation in The Village. She was such a tomboy, but she found someone who loved her the way she was. I am the way that God made me, and if someone wants me to change that, they're not worth my time.

Which, as we all know, means 'to bluff'

Recently, I saw a debate on facebook about whether true love is reality or not. Do Fairy tales and Disney movies exist to show us that true love is real, or to show us how foolish the notion is?
I frequently tell my Mom that true love does not exist. This usually happens when I have an experience where love hurts, or a thought that reminds me that love isn't always easy. But that is certainly not true. True love does exist, and as Christians, we should know this better than anyone. After all, we were recipients of the truest love that ever existed.
But does true romantic love, or true love for another person, exist? I would definitely say yes. And it is beautiful.
True love does not mean you will have a perfect life. My parents are the couple I've seen that demonstrates true love the best. And because they're humans, they're not perfect. They argue, they get mad at each other, but at the end of the day, they are madly in love, and that is what matters.
And that is what true love is. It's when you aren't going to throw away a relationship just because you've been hurt. It's when you are willing to make the other person happy, before you make yourself happy. It's even little things; thoughtful things like going somewhere you don't want to go, because it will make him happy; reading a book you don't care about, because it is special to her, and she wants you to understand why. It's ignoring what you selfishly want, and doing something selfless instead.
True love takes work, and it is not perfect. Even if you look at Disney movies, things aren't perfect. Eric leaves Ariel for another woman just because she has a nice voice; the Beast struggles with temper issues, and then he's killed; the Prince forgets what Cinderella looks like, and has to put a shoe on every woman in the kingdom in order to find her. But when all is said and done, true love wins out over any obstacles that are set in its way.
Now, I know that fairy tales aren't real. You aren't going to marry a mermaid, or a man that was transformed into a beast. But that does not mean that the love is fake. One of the biggest things about fairy tales is that the characters don't give up just because things are rough. So often, when people "fall out of love", it is because they are not willing to make an effort. They become selfish, and making the object of their love happy stops being something that brings them joy. When I love someone, making them happy brings joy to me too. I can spend an entire day doing something I really couldn't care less about, but if it's something that brings a smile to that person's face, I enjoy it. And that is true love. 

Sun dog

Ok...maybe this is sacrilegious, but it is something I was thinking about today. See, I was out taking pictures (what a shock, I know.), and I saw a sun dog (one of those rainbows that show up by the sun sometimes), and I got to thinking about them. They remind me of lights that I used to make with a prism that we had. I would hold the prism in the sunlight, and shine little rainbow patches around the floor. And it made me wonder if that is sort of what God does.
Don't get me wrong. I know that God could just think it, and a sun dog would appear. But is that how it works all the time? Or does God take joy in creating something with his hands? I love to create, and I think I would get thoroughly bored if all I did all day was think about what I wanted to create and it appeared. Where is the fun in that? I was made in God's image, so perhaps he feels that way too.
Maybe I am totally wrong. Maybe he really does just think about things, and they appear, and he takes pleasure from that. I don't know. I can't put God in a box of what he would enjoy doing just because that's what I like. But the Bible does talk about God forming us, whereas he merely spoke other parts of creation into existence. He didn't have to do that. It's not like we're this unimaginably incredible creation that he was incapable of speaking into being. That's just how he chose to make us.
So is it really that unimaginable that he might do that in other cases? I don't think so. He made us to enjoy working and creating with our hands, so I feel like it makes sense that he would too. I guess I won't know for sure about this while I am on earth. But everything that I see, all this beauty, is in place to please God. I am so blessed, no matter how it has come to be, that he has given me a chance to share in it with him. 

Retreat!

This is the message I did for Crave 10/10/12. I never use message notes, I write my entire message out. So here it is. Thought I would share it.

During this series, we’re talking about illusions; lies that Satan tells us, that maybe don’t sound like such terrible things, but are designed to throw our lives out of whack. It’s like this series’ theme verse says, 2 Corinthians 11:14 “And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light.” The lies that he tells us are lies that we can accept as being useful. You know, we’re not doing anything that bad. But they’re still lies. And as such, we need to fight against them as much as we do his blatant lies, like when he tells us we are worthless and sin is ok and whatnot.

This week actually has to do with our fall retreat that’s coming up. A couple of years ago, we had a debate about whether we should keep calling them retreats, or change to a different name. Because retreating makes one think of running away, and losing the battle. Not something we want to do. So the lie is that if you need a retreat, you are losing.

See, we are in a battle. Every day, we are fighting against our enemy. And if we go by what the average person would say, retreat would be the ultimate shame for any warrior. We would have the same opinion that Spartan women had when they sent their husbands and sons to battle. They would say, “Come back carrying your shield, or lying on it.” See, they knew that there was no way a man could carry his huge shield while running away from battle. They knew if he came home carrying his shield, he made it through the battle, and if he came home lying on it, at least he remained honourable and chose death over retreat.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5   For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We don’t wage war as the world does, meaning that we do not have to look to the worlds standards as far as retreat goes. Retreat can give us the tools that we need to win the battle.

We are supposed to follow Jesus’ example, and when he was doing God’s work, he often retreated into the wilderness to get away from the crowds that followed him, and to spend time alone with God in prayer.

Mark 6:45-46 And immediately He made His disciples get into the boat and go ahead of Him to the other side to Bethsaida, while He Himself was sending the multitude away. And after bidding them farewell, he departed to the mountain to pray.

This was immediately after the miracle where Jesus fed 5000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes. You would think that after that, he would be so pumped that he wouldn’t need to step back at all. He would just go with his disciples and celebrate what had happened. But he knew that he needed to depend on God, and step away from everything that was happening, and spend time alone with God. 

I’ll use an example of retreat from somewhat more recent history.

In 1814, the War of 1812 was drawing to a close. The British were intent upon capturing New Orleans and from there, the land gained through the Louisiana Purchase. December 23^rd, the British troops were only 9 miles away from New Orleans, and waited for reinforcements. U.S. troops, determined not to allow the British to sleep on their soil, attacked the resting British army. It looked like the Americans would win, but after 3 hours of fighting in the dark, it became impossible to tell one side from the other, and the Americans were having problems with friendly fire. The Americans retreated to a canal 5 miles away. Through this retreat, the Americans were able to spend time building up their defenses while they waited for the British army to advance. They turned the canal they had retreated to into a heavily fortified earthwork that would be far more difficult for the British to breach, and even though they retreated, they had proven themselves strong enough that the British army was hesitant to cross them again.

Technically, in this fight, the British won. But when one looks across all that happened, the Battle of December 23^rd saved New Orleans. It helped to win the Battle of New Orleans, which was the last major battle of the War of 1812. And the thing is, if Major General Jackson had refused to retreat when he saw that it was the necessary move, the American force could have been decimated, both by enemy bullets and friendly fire, and could have left the way open for the British army to take New Orleans.

In the same way, we need retreats. Now, I am not saying that we should just run from the battle and sit and do nothing. That is definitely not what the American soldiers did. And that’s also not what Jesus did when he went into the mountain. He didn’t just go up there and build a campfire and start making s’mores. He went to the mountain, and he prayed. When you retreat in a spiritual battle, whether by going on a youth retreat, or just stepping back on your own to spend time with God away from the people and things that occupy your time, it is not a passive retreat. It isn’t just time to chill with your friends or take a break from life; it is a chance to passionately pursue God in a place that isn’t so full of distractions. And when you step back from the battle and give God a chance, he will build you up.

Many of the ways that we benefit from retreating are similar to the ways that the American army benefitted from retreating. In the same way that the soldiers were able to regain their strength after the initial fighting, and strengthen their barricades, Isaiah 40:30-31 says Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

It doesn’t say, “Those who go out and fight without ceasing.” It says, “Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.” It is when you are waiting on him, trusting in him, that you will truly grow strong.

You also gain a different kind of strength when you go on a retreat with others. Retreating by yourself is a good thing, but when a whole group takes time from their lives to throw themselves on God, you get a chance to get to know people who are fighting alongside of you. Imagine if you were a soldier, and you had no friends going into battle with you. No one to watch your back, no one to help you out if you’re wounded. You would be very vulnerable. You need to know the other soldiers fighting alongside of you. And a retreat is a great way to do that. It’s a perfect venue to begin to talk about what God is doing in your lives, and to encourage one another. And hopefully, that will carry over into your real life, and you will continue to encourage each other when you’re back in the battle.

A retreat, like the name sort of hints at, provides perspective and rest. You are able to look at your situation from a different point, one where you aren’t being fired upon. Imagine how things would look different to a soldier running through the swamps and fields, trying to shoot enemies that he could scarcely see, and trying to avoid being shot himself; as opposed to a soldier in the relative safety of a fortified barricade that was not under attack at all. You will be able to look at your life in a different way, when you’re out of the situations that seem to be bearing down on you.

One of the biggest ways a retreat can impact you though, is to deepen our love for God, and show us the depth of his love for us.

Sometimes, even as Christians, we can feel alone; like I am the only soldier still fighting. And it is easy in these times to get discouraged, and want to give up. But ultimately, our task is not to win the battle, our task is to do what God tells us to do.

2 Chronicles 20:15 He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's.

Psalm 91:14-16 The Lord say, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honour them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”

When we retreat and we rest in God, we can feel the depth of his love for us. Have you ever spent time with someone that you love (a friend, or a parent), and instead of going out and doing something spectacular, you just spend time together? Maybe you watch a movie, or just sit and chat, something low key, that most people would think of as dull. But it was a great time, because the time you spent together reminded you how much you love each other?

This past summer, at camp, during worship one day, I was suddenly overwhelmed by how much God loved me, and rejoiced over me. It was something that I knew, but in the muddle of everyday life, I forgot it. When I stepped back and took the time to focus on God, and rest in his presence, he reminded me how much he cared for me, and how special I was to him.

I know that there can be days where you say, “Does God even actually care about me?” and when you’re swamped with life, it can be tough to remember all that God has done for you, and all that he wants to do for you. When you see how he feels about you, you can know that he truly does want what is best for you. You can look back and see what he has already done in your life, such as sending Jesus to die for you, welcoming you into his family, saving your soul. And then there are more personal things that he has done just for you.

When I take the time to retreat and look at what God has done in my life, I am amazed. There have been so many things in my life that, while I was going through them, I never thought they could turn out good. Times that I have said, “No, I give up. I don’t care what the lesson is that I am supposed to learn, I don’t want to go through this anymore.” But all of these things have come together to put my life where it is, and now I can see God’s hand guiding every bit of it. And that knowledge gives me strength to hold on and get back out there to fight again, knowing that it is well worth it.

One very important thing about retreats is this. Don’t live for retreats. Don’t just float through life, doing the bare minimum, saying, “Oh man, I can’t wait for camp. I need that experience with God again.” If a soldier went through a battle, not really paying attention to what was happening, and kept saying, “Man, I hope the general calls a retreat soon, I want to go sit down.” He’d most likely get shot in the head. You have to be focused on where you are. When you are going through life, know what you’re fighting for, and what God has for you to do. Then pursue it. A retreat isn’t a time to get fired up about God, you should be on fire for him in everything you do. A retreat is a time to get filled up and hear from him more in order to get out and do the next step that he has for you. 

Colour Blind

I went out to the Jane Addams Trail with my dogs today. I wanted to see if the fall colours were bright there, as they are in many other places. I got out of the car and started walking down the trail, and I must confess, I was a little disappointed at first.
My initial thought was that there weren't colours. It didn't look much different than it does in the summer, aside from a few coloured trees here and there. I was a little annoyed that I had driven out there to see a colourless trail. But then I got thinking about it, and started really looking around me. That was when I changed my view of things.
There were colours all around me. I could write paragraphs just about the shades of green that were along the path. Then there were reds and yellows of the trees that were changing colours; pink, yellow, and white in the flowers that still bloom along the path; shades of brown in the trees and the drying corn fields; and so, so much more.
When I finally saw this, my eyes and my mind were dazzled by the beauty and the colours around me. It is amazing what you can see when you stop focusing on what you expect to see. 

Say What You Need to Say

"Say what you need to say." A lot easier said than done (no pun intended). Everyone says you should speak your mind, and especially if you feel something needs to be said, you should say it. But what about when everything you say backfires? What about when you say things in the kindest way you possibly can; editing, planning, doubly-checking, praying about it, and even having someone else read it over to check for content, but it still backfires, and you end up in even more trouble after you say it?
What do you do then? Can you stop saying what you need to say? Can you bite your tongue and decide that saying what you feel you should say isn't important? And maybe sometimes it isn't. Maybe sometimes peace is more important than getting something off your chest. Though not everything that you need to say is just getting something off of your chest. Perhaps it is a case where you feel that by not saying something, you are doing wrong. And that's rough, because you know that in doing what you need to do, you're going to risk being hurt by the backlash. 
James 4:17 says: Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin. 
If you feel that you are supposed to say something, whether it is calling someone out about something in their life, or trying to restore a relationship that needs some tough love, or whatever else you might need to say, if you don't do it, you are sinning. Every time that we obey God, we risk being hurt. But every time that we ignore what we are meant to do, we are hurting ourselves even worse. 
So say what you need to say. I would rather be called out by someone who is listening to God and is calling me out because they care about me, than to find out in a few years that I was totally messing up and no one said anything. Hopefully you'll mostly come across people who feel the same way. But if you're speaking out of love, ultimately, you are doing the right thing. 

Rejoice

Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.

Hebrews 13:5  Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

Why, if the 2nd verse is true, are there still little girls trapped in brothels, dying of AIDS, and beyond that, being killed day after day and moment after moment on the inside? Girls who see an escape only in death? Girls who will die, not knowing that there is someone who loves them and wants to give to them, rather than using them just for their own own selfish purposes?
I love the fact that girls are being rescued, but it is such a small fraction of the girls who will be saved before it is too late. Girls who don't know what it is to be hugged by someone who simply and truly loves them. It's so much more appealing to hide my head in the sand and pretend none of this exists. It would be easier to stay in IL, working with students who are mostly just dealing with drama. Yeah, sometimes there are serious issues that have to be worked through, but mostly it's easier than admitting the horrors that are so prevalent in this world. 
Because when I accept that this is reality, I don't know how to keep my heart from shattering into a million pieces. How do I even deserve to be happy, knowing that this is happening? And not only human trafficking, but also all of the other horrors in the world; abortion, abuse, hatred, racism, so many things that have been thrown at us in a massive attack designed to destroy our hearts. Because once a heart is crushed, you lose motivation to continue on. This is likely why we are told to rejoice in the Lord always. How will your heart be filled with sorrow if it is rejoicing always?

The Dirty Side of Christianity

The past week, I was in New Orleans. It was probably the best in-country mission trip of my life. Really, the only thing that would have made it better would have been to make it longer. 

I love experiences like camp and other retreats, where you spend the week going to services, and learning about God, and simply basking in his presence. But that's not enough. That is the clean, safe side of Christianity. It may be a little outside of your comfort zone, but it is still safe and controlled. 

Christianity though, is not meant to be safe and clean all the time.

September 23rd, we headed down to Arabi, LA. This in itself was quite out of my comfort zone. I had been told that Operation Blessing only accepted teams of 2 or more to come volunteer. That was almost enough to make me give up once I realized that I didn't know anyone who would be willing to travel to LA with me, especially to work. So I asked someone I barely knew, knowing that he was self-employed, and perhaps could go. And he agreed. So there we were, getting ready to drive 17 hours together. It was a bit outside of my comfort zone. 

We got to Louisiana at about 9:30 in the morning, after driving through the night. We were sent straight to our job site. We had no idea what we would be doing; maybe gutting, or building, or pulling nails, or painting. We were gutting, we soon found. We were tearing all of the sheetrock and flooring out of the house. And everything was covered with mold. We had moldy water dripping on our heads from the insulation in the ceiling. We were dripping sweat, and covered with drywall dust and mold. I tried wearing a mask to keep from inhaling dust, but found I couldn't breathe. Between the heat and humidity, and dehydration, I had a number of times where I started to black out. 

I began questioning why I was there. Why would I drive so far to make myself totally miserable? What I doing anything? I had to really do a bit of an attitude check, and not allow the lies to get in and tell me that I was worthless. I wasn't just there to be an extra body. I was there because it was what God called me to do. It was the dirty side of Christianity; the side that is usually a bit less attractive. But it is just as important as the clean, attractive side. 

You can't just go and fill yourself with God and do nothing else. You have to fill yourself with God and pour into other people. God changes your life in order to help you change other's lives. 

After my little attitude adjustment, I made a point of looking beyond any negative to see what God had for us. And partway through the week, I had a moment where God really drove it home why I was there. 

We were gutting a house where the owner was still living. He was so overwhelmed by everything. He was in his 60s, and single, and didn't know where to start, so he was just waiting to figure it out. The house really didn't look so bad. We drove about an hour away from where we were staying, and when we walked in, Luke and I were both looking around, trying to figure out why we were there. It didn't even look like there was damage. But when we started tearing out walls and pulling up tiles, we found so much mold. The owner was breathing it in every moment that he stayed there. 

As he looked around his house, he said to us, "God sent you here to save my life. I didn't know what to do, and breathing in that mold would have killed me. God sent you, and I thank you."

And that was why we were there. I was gross and sweaty and I smelled like mold and tile glue. It was not a pretty thing. But it was the task God had for me to do. I knew then that this was why God had been calling me so strongly to go to LA. I am so thankful that I listened. The trip was incredible in so many ways. And it was fun. It is amazing how much fun work like that can be when you have the proper motivation. 

Fear without love

Yeah, that title is correct. I didn't get the words mixed up. I have been listening to the book "Forbidden" by Ted Dekker and Tosca Lee. The beginning of the book talks about how the government figured out how to isolate each emotion and remove them from the human brain. So to create a peaceful world, they decided to remove every emotion except fear. And in this way, they are able to control people.
I've not gotten too far into the book, but just listening to this explanation, I had a hard time swallowing the premise. Mainly because I don't see that it is possible to remove every emotion but fear. Not that I am arguing that there is no way to isolate emotions. I have no idea what scientists are capable of. Or will be capable of. It wouldn't shock me at all to find that it could happen. But what I don't know about is if it would be possible to keep fear, of all things, as the only emotion.
I feel like in general, fear is a result of other emotions. I fear dying, not so much out of fear of death, but out of fear of hurting those that I love. Therefore, fear is caused by love. I fear losing those people and things I am passionate about, but I wouldn't feel that way if I didn't have those emotions toward them. Pretty much, the only reason that I have fear is because before the fear, there is some other emotion. Usually a good emotion that is then made sour by the fear. Love turned into jealousy, adventuring turned into fear, things of that nature. But I feel like without any of those feelings, fear would not even exist. It would turn into indifference, and thus, the whole business of controlling people with fear would not work anyway.
I would far rather lose fear. Without fear, other emotions would be far more pure. Without fear, love would not turn to jealousy, I would be able to do what I feel I am meant to do without fearing that I will be hurt, or fearing that I will lose something or someone important to me.
This feels kind of scattered, but it's just sort of what I have been thinking about today. 

Where are we going?

Would we be different as a world if we were taught the truth about how precious life is? Sometimes I look at the world, and I just have to wonder how we ended up where we are. A world where abortion is allowed, and fought for as a "right". A world where the authorities turn a blind eye to human trafficking, and people do "sex tourism", raping their way across continents. A world where people walk into schools and movie theatres with guns, shooting everyone who stands in their line of sight. A world that just seems so messed up.
After reading the Hunger games, I stopped for a moment, and thought, "Seriously? How long would it honestly take our world to get to a point like that, a point where we revel in bloodthirsty games such as that? But no, many would argue that we are too advanced for that. Look at Rome though. They were an advanced civilization, and they had the gladiator games. And really, all that is necessary for this to come true is a complete disregard of human life. 
And we are well on our way to that disregard. We kill off "unwanted", "inconvenient" babies instead of giving them up for adoption. People are fighting to legalize euthanasia for elderly people. And couples are able, and even encouraged to "terminate" their pregnancies (really just a fancy word for having an abortion) if tests show that the baby has some sort of a handicap. 
We place worth on people as though we are pricing furniture. This person is too old, this person will have no quality of life, and on and on. But really, it is only a way to justify killing them. Of course, killing is given different names. "Termination", "Euthanasia", "Choice" "Mercy killing:. And we gives those being killed different names. ""Fetus", "Terminal patient", "Vegetable". And how does this differ so much from the Hunger Games? Instead of calling them murders, they called them games. Instead of victims, or children, they called them Tributes, acting as though it is an honour to kill and be killed for their district, and for the whole world. 
And ultimately, why is this allowed? It is allowed because certain people decide that life doesn't matter, and they brainwash the world into thinking that what they are doing is simply the way it is supposed to be. The worst part of it? The thing that makes this all possible? No one stands up for what they know is right until it is too late. They accept it; giving in to what has been decided for them. And eventually, many believe that what is happening really is ok. 
Are we accepting what happens in our world without question? Those who don't care about life, who want to get rid of "inconveniences", are the outspoken ones, they are making a stand, and they are getting their agenda passed while we sit and hope that abortion will end, and the world will change for the better. But something needs to be done. We have to fight back. We have to make our stand. A battle is not won by an army that sits in their camp pretending that the enemy doesn't exist. An army wins by fighting. 
First, we have to pray. Nothing will be changed if we do not prepare for battle. And the only way to prepare for a battle such as this is through prayer. And we need to stand up for what we know is right. We need to give voice to those who have no voices. 
Proverbs 24:11 Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. 

Grey Skye in my Broken Heart

It has been 5 months today since my horse Skye died, and this is something I wrote about a week after he died. It was slow going. I would write a couple of sentences, then have to stop or I would end up crying. We'll see how typing it out now goes. I still have days that I cannot believe he is gone. I get up and I want to take Skye out for a ride, and then I realize that I'm not going to see him again. And I miss him. Everything was just so sudden.
Anyway, here's the blog I wrote.
February 6-7, I experienced what was likely the hardest 27 hours I have experienced thus far.
It seemed to start innocently enough. I returned home from work, and prepared to go outside and do chores. As I glanced out the door, with my hand already on the door knob, I was greeted by a sight that every horse owner dreads. My dear horse Skye was on his backs, with his legs tucked up to his chest.
I ran out the door, absolutely terrified, screaming his name, and praying that he was not dead. Little did I know that in the next 27 hours, I would realize that it might have been better had he already been gone.
Skye was one of the most beautiful horses I have ever seen; both physically, and in his personality. He used to be a therapy horse, but failed at that, because he would lay down with a rider on his back. And when he was led, he would move as slowly as he possibly could. He was certainly not the most well-behaved horse I've ever met (and I learned shortly after I got him that he was full of energy while being ridden, and spooked quite violently when the dogs ran through dry leaves behind him), but that didn't matter at all. He'd just walk up and put his head in my arms, and I would melt. Skye was also the first horse I met who loved to have his belly scratched. He would be so happy and relaxed with someone scratching his belly that he'd almost fall asleep.
Anyway, I got Skye on his feet, and called the vet, but he wasn't too interested in standing while we waited. So I got a halter on him, and we walked for a while. It took about 1/2 an hour for the vet to arrive, and we walked that whole time. I tried to let him stop once in a while, but every time I did, he would drop to the ground and try to roll. My heart broke a little every time he did this. I knew he was in pain, and there was nothing that I could do for him.
I have seen colic in a number of horses, and often, it has been mild. We give the horse some painkillers, and maybe pour some mineral oil, or warm water with epsom salts into them, and everything clears up quickly. But the last horse I saw colic, a surrogate mare in VT, was the first horse I had seen die from colic. With that memory in mind, I was far more nervous than I usually am about colic. Plus, I love Skye like crazy, and the thought of losing him terrified me.
When Dr Bob came, he tried to check Skye's vitals, but Skye was in too much pain, and needed medicine first. After being given "happy juice", Skye calmed a bit. That was when Dr Bob noticed something odd about him. When a horse is in as much pain as Skye was, their heartbeat elevates quickly. But Skye's hadn't. In fact, his heart often went up to 5 seconds without a beat. Typical is 35-40 bpm. Dr Bob told me that, even if Skye pulled through the colic, he wouldn't be surprised if I walked out one day and found him dead because his heart had skipped a beat and forgot to start again. Not exactly the comforting words I wanted to hear...
Dr Bob put a tube in Skye and put some warm water and epsom salts into him, hoping that it would clear up the blockage. He told me to let Skye lay down, but try not to let him roll.
And for the rest of the morning, that is what I did. I did chores and had breakfast, stopping every once in a while to run out and get Skye to his feet so he wouldn't roll. At one point, he got cast (flipped onto his back up against something so he couldn't roll himself back over), but luckily it was against something I could move away from him. It is hard (and dangerous) to right a cast horse, and would have been next to impossible with a horse Skye's size without help.
I don't think I was in the house for more than 10 minutes at a time all morning. But late morning/early afternoon (my timing on this whole thing is a little mixed up), Skye started to get pretty frantic again. I called the vet once more, and that was when I started feeling like I might have to have him put down. After all of the painkillers he had been given, he should not have been feeling any pain.
When the vet got there this time, Skye was even worse. He started to thrash around when the painkillers were given to him, and slammed into Dr Bob's truck, messing up the mirror and denting the side of the truck, then threw himself onto my car, busting the spoiler off. Dr Bob got the shot to put Skye down. I called my aunt, needing someone with me (my folks were in Puerto Rico, and were supposed to get home the next day). But by the time Neita arrived, the painkillers were kicking in. Dr Bob wasn't really thrilled with my choice to wait and not put Skye down, but I just could not take away the chance.
Skye was pretty drugged by that time. He would meander around the yard, running into things, unless I stood in front of him, cradling his head against my chest. So we stood like that for a long time. Until he wanted to lay down for a while.
I let Skye rest, and the remainder of the evening, and on into the night, was super rough on me. Skye would seem good for a while; showing interest in food and water, seeming to be comfortable, and then he would seem like he was in great pain, making me wonder if I should call the vet out in the middle of the night.
That night, I alternated between trying to get some sleep (I knew I would need it if it came down to making the decision to put him down), and spending time with him. I made up stories to tell him, and I sang to him, and I prayed. A lot. I begged God to spare Skye's life. Then I begged him to take him quickly, to end his pain. I told God that I would rather lose Skye than have him be in pain.
I was to the point that I couldn't even cry. I felt bad about this. Of all the things to feel bad about...I felt like I should show more emotion knowing that I might be losing my horse. But I had no more tears to cry. And my grief was too deep for tears. This is something I have been feeling a lot lately. I find that if I am sad and I don't cry, it's more likely because I am far too sad to cry rather than not being very sad at all. So I just sat with him.
The next morning felt like the cruelest trick ever. When I woke, Skye was up, walking around the yard, seeming much better than he had been. I thought we were out of danger. Until about 10:30. I looked out the window and saw him stumbling around like he had been before the afternoon vet visit. My heart dropped. I went out to see what was up, but I pretty well knew what the outcome would be.
I checked Skye's heart, not really expecting anything, and found that it was elevated to 100 bpm. This was the final blow. I knew that the way his heart was, he would have to be in immense pain to react in this way. I called Neita to ask her to come out, and called and texted some friends to ask for prayer. And then I called the vet. While this was all going on, Skye wandered down the lane, seeming to be rather distracted; not really paying attention to me. When I was talking to the vet, Skye laid down by the driveway.
I got off the phone and sat near Skye, being pretty careful about how close I got. I have seen horses in pain that thrash and kick out farther than you would ever think possible. And they have no idea what they are doing. But then he stretched his head out toward me, trying to reach me. So I moved closer, holding his head, and he relaxed as soon as I touched him. There were some muscle tremors, then he took a breath. And that was it. He was gone.
Neita pulled into the driveway just as Skye drew his last breath, and Dr Bob was about 5 minutes later. I feel like even in Skye's death, God was there for me. I had to make the choice to have Skye put down, but I didn't actually have to watch him be put down. It's not just a gentle "falling asleep" when a horse is put down, and I did not want to watch that happen to him. And God was merciful and didn't make me go through that.
At the end of those 27 hours, I was tired from staying up half the night with Skye. I had blisters on my feet from just slipping into rubber boots without socks so that I could run outside as fast as I could to keep him from rolling, and then walking around for hours with him. I had a hair burn on my chin from one of the times he was thrashing in pain and caught me in the face with his head. And I was just achy all over from trying to keep him from rolling, and keep him comfortable. But that was nothing compared to how emotionally exhausted I was. I posted on facebook later that evening that I felt like I had really aged a lot in the last day. And my aunt told me that it wasn't aging so much as it was growing up. Which was probably true. Sometimes you have to go through something hard in order to grow in the ways you need to grow. I'd just as soon avoid the pain, but if that happened, I would avoid the growth as well.
I said that during those couple of days, my mind was trying to tell me what to do, but my heart kept saying, "Stand back, I've got this." And I don't regret listening to my heart. Yeah, maybe I should have had Skye put down earlier. But that is one of those things that you have to know when it is right. And when I knew, I called. Sometimes listening to your heart might not seem like the wisest thing (had I simply listened to my mind, my heart would not have been broken so badly), but if you stop listening to it altogether, you run the risk of forgetting how to listen to it. And I would much rather have a broken heart than a dead one. I would rather love and have pain than not love at all.
I miss my Skyeboy. I'll not find another horse like him. But I feel that I was blessed to have him for the short time I had him. 

God Dances

God dances over us! How stinking amazing is that?!?!? The Lord of Heaven and Earth rejoices because of me!!! 

I've noticed that this is something that comes up frequently when I'm praying, or when I am supposed to do a  Bible study. And it really just hit me! He loves me so much!!! I just don't get it. There is NO reason that God should feel this way toward me. And I think that the reason it is so important for me to share it is because I am realizing how important it is in my life, and I want others to feel that love and know how important they are too. 

There are moments where I feel worthless and I can't understand how anyone could care about me, or want me. But if God feels that way about me, who am I to say no one else can feel that way? Who am I to say that I don't even feel worthy of anyone's love? If God says that I am worth His time, how can I say otherwise? 

I need frequent reminders of this fact, but God is patient even when I am slow, and he shows me over and over again how deep his love for me is. Perhaps one day I will understand and believe it to my very core for myself. I can easily see the worth of other, and tell them how special and beautiful and loved they are, but I still need some work to believe it for myself. Maybe that's why I keep having it brought to my attention. 

Winter into Spring

I read a description of life and death the other day, and it stuck with me. It said that life; this life, we in now, is like winter, and what comes after this life (heaven) is spring. It seemed like such a great picture.
Now, I love winter, but I can understand what this shows. Winter is not something to be hated and dreaded. Yes, it is cold, and all of the flowers and trees are dead and bare, but that doesn't mean it's bad, or it is something that we should try to sleep through. My Mom does not like the winter. If she could, she would hibernate like a bear, and only come out once it is spring. And there are load of people that feel that way.
There are people as well who feel that way about life. They say that as they are not meant ultimately for this world, they will just get by and wait for the spring. Why bother with life if your goal is heaven?
But God chose to put us on earth for a reason. If he wanted to, he could have made you and plunked you down in heaven. He could have skipped the whole earth thing. But he didn't. And because he didn't, that shows me that he wants us here.
So WAKE UP!!! Enjoy the beauty of the winter while you're in it! Have you ever walked outside on a gorgeous winter day, when there is fresh snow on the ground, and the sky is such a brilliant blue that it dazzles your eyes? You walk through the snow, and it muffles every sound, making everything feel intense and solemn, but you can't help giggling with pure joy as you watch sparkles from the sunlight swirl across the snow, turning it into your own mid-day fireworks show. Maybe you walk alone, or you have a snowball fight with your friends, or play in the snow with your dog. And then, at the end of the day, you curl up with cocoa and a good book or movie.
But see, if you had skipped winter, you would have missed the exquisite beauty of a day such as this. You could have every lovely spring day, but still, you would have missed out on the wonder that God made for you. Just like you miss out on the wonder he has created for this life if you try to sleep through this life in order to just wait for heaven. 

Seriously now???

Have you ever noticed how the days you expect to be totally chill often are anything but? Sometimes I wonder why I try to plans days like that. Perhaps it would be wiser to just plan to have hectic days and then enjoy the peaceful ones when they come.
You know a day is going to be rough when it starts out with a phone call saying, "The horses are out...The ponies are down by the village grazing, but Shadow and Firefly are nowhere to be found." Of course, I was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that the ponies were easy to catch, and Shadow and Firefly happened to be hiding out in the stall, and hadn't even left the pen. Oh was I lulled. It looked like the rest of the day was going to be easy. Hannah was supposed to come out and ride with me; we were going to go on one of the most beautiful trails I know of, I had chai and biscuits for our snack while we were out, and all of the horses were where they were supposed to be. What could go wrong?
I'll admit, I probably got a little cocky about how smooth the day was going to go.
Hannah came out (after a little mix-up because people in the office still thought the horses were missing...), and we saddled up our ponies. She was on Shadow, I took Firefly, and we were off for an epic adventure. At this point however, we didn't realize just how epic the day would turn out to be.
We moseyed along, not moving too quickly on account of the traffic (nearing the end of tourist season, but still pretty busy), and discussed our life stories and whatnot. Seriously...as we started riding, I asked her what her life story was, and she told me the nutshell version of it.
We went down the road a couple of ks or so (saw some giant squirrels and normal sized monkeys), and then turned off into the woods. Oh man, the woods are so beautiful. We went up the trail, weaving among the trees, trying to encourage the horses that they could indeed get through the gaps between the trees, and generally having a good ride. We had reached a bit where it flattens out for a while, and we were almost to the place where we could see some really nice views, when I heard Hannah's voice behind me. She said, "Laura, Shadow is acting really weird." I turned to see what was up, expecting to see him getting upset about a fly, or just being lazy and trying to stop and stand rather than walking. Instead, I saw him dropping to the ground, and Hannah jumping off of his back as he began to roll.
We both immediately knew what was up. Colic. A horseperson's nightmare. Something Shadow has issues with frequently, but I have never seen it come on so quickly.
We were in a grove of pine trees, fortunately one that had enough room that Shadow didn't get stuck when he went down to roll. Hannah pulled Shadow up as I jumped off of Firefly and ran over, but by the time I got to him, he had dropped again. With a horse that is colicking, rolling is one of the worst things they can do. Their intestines can get twisted, and once that happens, there is no hope for the horse.
Hannah and I each had a split second of panic (both of us have had horses we cared for die from colic, and it's a hard thing to go through), but then common sense kicked in, and we knew we just needed to get Shadow down the mountain and out of the woods as fast as possible.
We started down, but had a hard time finding the right trail. I grabbed Shadow so we could go in front, while Hannah took Firefly. I wasn't sure how Firefly would do. We were going really fast across sections of slippery rock that he always wants to gingerly pick his way across, and going through brush and tree branches that were catching him in the face and snagging his saddle. This was one of those moments though that he understood that his cooperation was vital, and he was a trooper and did exactly what was asked of him without balking at all. As Hannah kept saying every few minutes, "He was a total Stud!".
As we booked it down the mountain, Shadow was not doing well. He would grunt in pain with every step we took, and he was totally soaked with sweat. I loosened his saddle, but he was still in so much pain. Hannah and I both were praying crazy hard, pleading for Shadow's life. In spite of how serious everything was, I had to laugh a little at Hannah as she prayed. Here we were, on the side of a mountain, running to save Shadow's life, and she was yelling prayers as we ran. There was no subtlety at all. She was completely serious in her prayers, which was awesome. Usually when I hear someone yelling prayers, there is at least a little goofiness involved, but she was just praying, and didn't care if anyone thought she was mad.
Finally, we got to the road, and we were able to slow to a more reasonable pace. We had quite a ways to go though, and Shadow was still in quite a bit of pain. So we walked. And we hoped and prayed that he wouldn't drop again. A let me tell you, those prayers worked. About halfway back, his breathing started to even out, and he stopped sweating. By the time we turned off the road to go down the trail to the horse property, he was trying to pull me over to patches of grass so he could graze. We were finally able to breathe a little easier too.
After watching Shadow for a while, we determined that he was indeed feeling better. He rolled once in the arena, but it was his usual post-ride roll in the dirt (can't let that white coat look too clean...), and walked to the corner for a snooze. We had our chai and biscuits while we watched him (realized how desperately I needed the sugar as my adrenaline high began to fade), then headed back to town.
It was a weird feeling as we finished off the day. One of those situations where you don't know if you are going to burst into tears, or start laughing. There was a lot of random giggling coming from both of us as we tried to process. We couldn't stop talking about it either. We asked questions, "How didn't we realize he was about to colic?" "What should we have done.". We discussed what happened, what we did right, what the horses did right ("Firefly was a STUD!"). We just pretty well jabbered about it the whole way back to the office.
We thought our day was going to be a nice chill day, but it wasn't. However, it could have been so much worse. If not for the grace of God, we could have been walking back in tears after watching Shadow die. Or we could have gotten him back to the house only to find that he had colicked too badly and there was nothing we could do to save him. I've never seen any horse colic that quickly, but I have also never seen Shadow snap out of it that fast. Any of the 4 of us could have been injured on our mad dash down the mountain, or Firefly could have planted his feet and simply refused to move. But none of that happened. Despite the fact that the day did not go as we planned, God was with us, protecting us, and protecting Shadow. I was reminded that day of the fact that I have no real say in the way things go. I can plan and plan and plan, and no matter how perfect I think my planning is, something can come along to change it. But I was also reminded of the faithfulness of God, and the fact that he loves me more than I can imagine, and he even loves the horses, and cares for them.

There's this boy...

There's this boy that I miss more than you know. I could be coy right now, and not say who it is. I could let you guess and try to figure it out. Perhaps you would think it was an ex, or a childhood friend. Who knows what you would think. So I'll just tell you from the start (or close to the start).
It's my brother. This boy that I miss so much is the boy that I've known the longest. I'm not going to get all mushy and say we've been best friends for our whole lives. We've fought a lot, and there have been times I've been ready to disown him. But at the end of the day, he is my brother, and I've always known that we loved each other, and I knew that he would be there for me.
But now that's not true. Oh, I still love him, I still hope to be friends with him. But I've very nearly given up on that. Lately, he's pretty much not speaking to me anymore. I really fought for our friendship for a while, and that usually ended poorly, with him getting mad at me, or me getting upset because he ignored me. So I gave up.
It's not that I don't care. Honestly, I would say it's because I care too much, and it wasn't really healthy. I ended up far too involved, and invested. Not that I think it's wrong to be involved with family, but at some points, there comes a time when you have to let go.
So I am letting go. I am trusting God to work things out according to his plan. I am not going to keep trying to force life into my little box. The circumstances that I hate and don't understand right now are all in his plans, and one day, I will see a reason for everything. 

Spiderwebs

I just rescued a firefly from a spiderweb (yeah, that's what happens when I am up in the middle of the night due to jet lag :~) ), and it made me think.
See, I was trying to help this firefly. Its front 4 legs, and both antennae were tied together by this web, and it had no hope of getting out. So, using a pin, I started to remove the web from its legs. I didn't expect it to be too hard, just a little bit of web, but the way the bug was struggling, it was actually a bit of a challenge to get the web untangled without impaling it. I wished I could tell it to stop fighting, and that the fighting was just making everything worse. It was making no progress, but instead was making things hard for me.
And I thought how much like that bug I am. I get into bad situations, where I don't know what to do, and I try to fix everything on my own. I'm thrashing around, helping no one, and getting in the way of what God is trying to do. The main difference is that the firefly doesn't understand what he is doing. He didn't realize that I was trying to help him. As far as he knew, there was no way that he was getting out of that web unless he did all of the work by himself.
But I know better than that. I know that God wants to help me, and I know that I need to depend on him. Not that I need to stop doing anything, that won't work, but I need to know what God wants me to do, and stop trying to struggle against him. I need to trust, and know when to wait on him, and when to take action. And of course, I need to listen to God to know what action to take. Basically, I need to be wiser than a bug. We'll see if I manage that :~)

Love in Spite of

In 2009, I had my 1st experience with Leg Up in Ooty. At that point, there were only 3 ponies; Lily, Hercules, and Orion. And only one of those ponies was truly ride-able. Orion was still too young, and Hercules just hadn't had a lot of work. Hercules became one of my projects that year, because I was just lightweight enough to ride him, but big enough to sort of control him. Sort of.

Hercules had this trick he liked to pull when he didn't want to go where he was asked to go. He would pull his head down and to the left as hard as he possibly could, trying to pull his rider over off balance so they would let go of the reins. The biggest problem with this was that Hercules was not concerned by the fact that this pulled him off balance just as badly as it did his rider. So we would be standing on the edge of a road right by a drop-off, and he would be thrashing around, making himself stumble all over the place. The possibility that we would hurtle to our deaths did not deter him in the least. Of course, he is half-blind, so perhaps he was just unaware. Suffice it to say though, that he was not very pleasant to ride.

And he really didn't improve a lot over the next few years. Oh, he was ridden, but it was never a case of someone saying, "Oh my! I want to ride Hercules!" And he never seemed to be terribly keen on being ridden, whether for therapy, or just for pleasure. It just wasn't his thing. Some horses enjoy being ridden, while some aren't too interested.

But there seemed to be nothing that he really enjoyed. Unless it was hanging out in the pasture and chasing anything smaller than him. He really needed something to do. Horses, in spite of the fact that they sometimes try to convince us otherwise, are actually happier when they have something useful to do.

Somehow though, I found myself absolutely loving Hercules. He was a pain, and acted like a brat half the time, but I felt drawn to him. I really wanted him to enjoy work, and I wanted to be able to enjoy working with him. But we just weren't sure what to do.But still, any time I needed a pony to just cuddle with, he was my choice.

Suddenly though, we had a new option given to us. While Mala was in the States, she got a pony harness. Hercules was the logical candidate to learn to drive. He was the only one that wasn't useful as a riding horse (At the time, we thought Orion was dead), and he was in desperate need of something to do. We did not have the harness yet (it was on it's way. Mala didn't have room to bring it back with her), but I used that month while we waited for the harness to ground drive and lunge him, teaching him the basics, and teaching him to respond to voice commands. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he picked up quickly on what I was teaching him. It was especially nice as I was making up half of it as I went along. I knew the basic idea of what I was trying to do, but had never taught a horse to drive. I was praying I didn't completely fail. It was a little nerve wracking. Of course, I went into it saying, "Oh yeah, I can do this." and hoped I was telling the truth :~)
To be quite honest, I was a little shocked by how quickly Herc picked up on what I was teaching him. Especially since we were learning together. And he seemed to be enjoying himself. That was the really cool part.
I took a couple of trips down the mountain to find a cart that would fit Hercules. We needed something that was within our price range, and as lightweight as we could find since it will mostly be used on hills. The successful trip ended up being lasting from about 9:30 am til about 2:30 am the next morning. But we had our cart! And it looked amazing. And we got the harness that same day. Things were coming together.
I put the harness on Herc, and he was adorable, but then we went to camp before I had a chance to hitch him to the cart. I was a little concerned that he would be scared of the cart, and all of my work would be for nothing. I was super excited to hitch him to the cart, but a little apprehensive at the same time.
And finally, the day came. With Mala's help, I got Hercules hitched to the cart, and he acted like it was nothing. I ground drove him around the ring with the cart attached, and he barely even seemed to notice it. Then I got in the cart. And he acted like he had been pulling the cart for ages rather than just a few seconds. I drove him around for a while, and he seemed very eager and excited and not at all nervous. He stumbled a couple of times as he got used to pulling the cart, and the way that it felt when a wheel hit a rock, but he quickly found his stride again. I was crazy proud of him. It was incredible. Mala drove him, then went up to get Abbi so that she had a chance to drive. He listened so well no matter who was driving him, and pulled Abbi and me together without any problem.

And he has progressed since then. We drive out on the road, and though he still is a bit frightened of buses and huge trucks (the boy is half blind, and they make terrible noises as they come hurtling toward us. He probably thinks they're dragons coming to eat him or something), we are working on getting him over that, and he is doing better. I was a little concerned that he would decide he didn't like me as I am the one who made him do all of this work, but he is even friendlier toward me than he has ever been. He whickers at me, and comes to me just to cuddle for a little while. It's really neat, because now, that affection I felt for him is joined by pride I feel for the progress he has made, and the work we have done together. It is so nice to see him being useful, and enjoying himself as he is useful.

I was telling Mala the other day that it is ironic that Hercules would be the one I worked with so much this trip considering the fact that I liked him even when there was really no reason to like him. And now there are reasons to like him, and I like him all the more for it. But I still love the little knock-kneed, half blind pony that is a complete stinker when he wants to be. Useful or useless, I love him in spite of all the reasons I shouldn't.  

Dust?

I close my eyes
only for a moment
and the moment's gone
all my dreams
pass before my eyes in curiosity
dust in the wind,
all they are is dust in the wind 

Same old song,
just a drop of water
in an endless sea
all we do,
crumbles to the ground
though we refuse to see
dust in the wind,
all we are is dust in the wind 

Don't hang on
nothing lasts forever
but the earth and sky
it slips away
and all your money,
won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
all we are is dust in the wind
dust in the wind
everything is dust in the wind 
dust in the wind


This song used to really, really bother me. I hated the thought that we were dust in the wind. I was having a real struggle at that point with my faith, and figuring out what I believed, and going through a tough time of questioning God. It got to the point that if Dust in the Wind came on the radio, I would freak out until it was changed. Which really made Carla mad because she liked it a lot. 
Then I had myself convinced for a while that the song was totally wrong. We're not dust in the wind, because we have God who gives meaning to our lives. But even that thinking was a bit skewed. So here is my opinion of Dust in the Wind now. 
For the most part, the song is true. Moments don't last. The things that we build don't last. For example, I have spent a lot of time teaching Hercules to drive in the last couple of months. And I and other people will spend a lot more time working with him. And one day, he's gonna die, and all of that work will be totally obsolete. Not to be negative, that's just the truth. 
If you miss the moments in your life, your money won't buy you any more. But that isn't the end. The earth and sky are not the only things that last forever, and that is where we have hope that is not mentioned in this song. The physical things that we do will not last. They will fade like flowers, and blow away like the dust. But if we make a spiritual impact through the physical things that we do, that will not fade away. 
So much of what I worry about are things that will crumble away. And why do I worry about them? I don't worry about the dust in the arena that I walk through every day. I need to learn how to focus on the things that matter, not that which will blow away. It's hard. Sometimes the "right now" seems like it will be important forever. But if I only have so many moments, I want to spend this fleeting time pursuing things that will last. In that way, I can make each fleeting moment into something that will last. It's like Rumpelstiltskin turning straw into gold. And gold is something that will last rather than blowing away. 

This Changes Everything

A year ago right now, I was in Vermont, working at a Friesian farm, with 12 baby Friesians running around, gorgeous barns, the top Friesian stallions in the world, etc, etc. I was getting riding and driving lessons by people who REALLY knew what they were talking about (infrequent lessons, but they were good lessons when we got them), riding beautiful horses that were worth thousands of dollars. There was a Friesian stallion (the little guy that everyone laughed at because he was too short to be a stallion, but still...) that I was allowed to drive whenever I wanted to. We used nice gear for anything we were doing. Lovely carts and harnesses, dressage saddles that are worth way more than I could ever afford. All of the horse people I knew said that it was an awesome opportunity for me. And it was. Kind of...
But there were problems there. And even when there weren't blatant problems, I would chat with my Mom, and tell her that being there just made my soul ache. I enjoyed being around the horses, but I wasn't doing anything of real use. I worked every Sunday, and it took me over a month to find a church that was relatively close that had evening services that I could attend. And until I found a church, I had no one to talk to about God stuff. And that was harder than I ever guessed it would be. I could chat with people on fb, but my phone didn't even work most of the time. It was rough not having anyone.
Valley Bible Church really affected my time in VT. I would have had a meltdown without it. And especially without the Griffins (the Pastor's family). One night after church, I was just hanging out, trying to avoid going back to the farm, because I was so much happier at church. I told Kathy that was what I was doing, and she invited me over to have coffee and watch a movie. We watched Sabrina, a romantic comedy, nothing too spectacular. But it was an amazing night. One of those nights that, even though I was out a bit late, I felt refreshed afterward.
But still, for most of the week, I just felt like I wasn't where I was supposed to be. I wanted to do something that would benefit people. I was learning, but not very much that I could use to help people. Most of my time was spent on basic farm maintenance type jobs that really only benefited the owners of the farm. The times I felt I was doing something truly useful were few and far between.
And now I am here. And it is a far cry from where I was last year. Most people would say that I have taken several steps down. Far from the Friesians, I now works with a mish-mash of horses. One is a Marwari, which is still a fairly impressive breed (though far less known), and then we have a large, white pony that could almost pass for a horse. But after that, we have 3 ponies that have pretty typical pony attitudes. One is still getting over an injury that he keeps re-opening, one just doesn't like being ridden, and one is the epitome of a mare.
My driving horse is a little half blind pony that is still working on getting over his terror of buses. Our tack is a bit on the random side, and a little worse for wear. And we have to be very careful to keep it from being stolen. Our barn is a little building with one stall and a feed room. Our arena isn't quite level, and has lots of rocks in it. 
There are various other reasons that being here with Leg Up would look like a step down. But let me tell you, it is anything but. Leg Up is a huge step up. And there is one thing that makes a difference. God. God is the reason for the work we are doing here. It is not just to get glory, or make money; it is to change lives. And we are not the ones changing lives, he is. I don't have to say, "Ok, come with me and my little blind pony, and we will make your life spectacular!" I can just be there, willing to follow what God wants, and listening to him, and he will use us. It doesn't matter how ill-equipped we are in the eyes of the world. Some people would look at the horses we have, and the things we deal with, and say that nothing could come of this. But in some ways, that seems to work better. It isn't about us. It's not about how spectacular our horses are (though trust me, each one is amazing), it is how amazing our God is.
My soul doesn't hurt when I am here. No, things aren't entirely perfect, but perfection is not found anywhere on earth. There are so many moments here though that I look around, and I think how amazingly blessed I am. I am allowed to be here, and to be part of what is happening here. God has put me into situations in life that have prepared me to be here. Even last summer, learning how to drive a horse, taught me something I needed to know here.
I sit with the other volunteers talking about God, and how we can spiritually affect the girls, and it's wonderful to have like-minded people. Oh, that's not all we talk about. We get some pretty random conversations going. And there is nothing at all wrong with that either.
Even in the hard times, I am learning, and my soul is being strengthened. Every negative moment can be turned into good when one is willing to listen. God is great!

What's in a Name?

I've recently had people asking about the name of my blog, or making weird faces when they see the title, so I thought I'd clear things up and explain the meaning.
Dragon on my belly really has no significance. Last winter, I was given a bearded dragon; something that I have  wanted for some time. Pretty much anytime I was just sitting around watching tv, or reading, or knitting (or all 3 at the same time), I would bring Kazul (the beardie) out of her tank, and hold he for a while. Bearded dragons are known for being the friendliest lizards. Kazul liked to lay on my stomach, soaking up my body heat since it was cold out. Every time Mom would ask me to do something, I would say, "I can't, I have a dragon on my belly."
So we started making up a goofy poem that started out with "Dragon on my belly...", then each line used goofy words that rhymed with belly. When I was thinking about publishing a book of poetry (which is in the works, let me know if you want one), that name was suggested as a title. And I liked it. Around that same time, I was trying to come up with a blog name. I hate making up names for things like this. I was getting really annoyed, and almost just gave up on making a blog, because I couldn't come up with a name. So since it was something that had been floating around, I grabbed the title "Dragon on my Belly".
So there you have it. There is no deep, spiritual meaning to the title; I do not have a dragon tattooed on my stomach; there is really not much meaning at all. Just a family joke. I hope you enjoy the blog anyway :~)

Bucket List Year

I feel that I know a little how I would answer the question, "What would you do if you knew you only had a couple of months to live?" I know it's not that extreme, but it's still hard. I'll only have about 6 months at home...What are the important things?
I feel like I will be stripping down this next year to the things that really matter to me. And maybe I'll be surprised to learn what those things are. But then again, maybe not. Even before I made up my mind (well, my head wasn't made up, but my heart was sort of doing its own thing), I was already beginning to see what I was clinging to. I want my Dad to teach me to drive a motorcycle. Someone here could, but I want him to. That's something I should learn from my Dad. I want to sit and talk with Mom for hours about everything, no matter how big or small. I want to go hiking with Steve, and visit Carla for some quality time. I want to spend time with Gram, Chip, Shadow, and other animals I've grown up with, who won't understand what's up.
I feel so frightened and elated at the same time. I have no idea what to think, so sometimes I just try to avoid thinking. But that's not really an option. I have to make a firm decision one way or another. This whole time, I have been up and down. One second, I'm certain that I will be coming here, and the next second, it scares the heck out of me. But I guess even in that, I've still been pretty sure the whole time that I would be moving here.
Sometimes, I wish I'd never heard of Leg Up. Then I wouldn't have this choice to make. But that's no solution.
Right at this moment, I sort of feel stuck. I still have 3 weeks here before I can go home and get ready to come back. I feel like I am poised on the edge, just waiting to leap, but something is holding me here for a little while longer. Like Judy, Jimmy, and the Cinnamon Bear, stuck on the wave as they tried to get to the Island of Obi (a story that is a family road trip tradition). I am very eager to get home, as, once I get home, I am able to start preparing to return. And when I return, we can really get things going. I'll have my own place, and a motorcycle (hopefully), both of which will give me more time to get things done. Right now though, we're planning and preparing, but can't implement so much when I'll be gone for 6 months.
I think that's where the majority of my hesitancy at the moment comes from. Not that there's really even all that much hesitancy though. Sometimes there is, and I am sure there will be once I get home and face the prospect of leaving. But basically, I think it will be ok. I really feel that this is what I am supposed to do.
So even though this summer could prove to be an emotional one, as I prepare to leave, I plan to make it a great one. And yeah, maybe a lot of my plans would look silly to other people; they'll say that I am not making good use of my time. But it will be things that matter to me. Like riding around the mail route with my Dad, and going shopping with my Mom, and going for walks with my grandparent's dog, and things like that. Those things I take for granted, but that matter. And when I leave, I hope to be truly content about how I've spent my time. 

The Labours of Hercules

Today was a huge day! For Leg Up, for me, and probably most of all for Hercules.
Today was Herc's first day truly driving. We've been doing quite a lot of ground driving in preparation for this, but didn't know how he would feel about the cart. So we had an adorable pony in a harness, and a cute cart, and today was the day to put them together. Mala and I worked together in case he had any issues, but he handled everything like a champ. He didn't even flinch when the shafts came along beside him, then he stood patiently (mostly patiently) while we adjusted the harness and figured out just how to go about hitching him up.
I ground drove Hercules once around the arena to see how he would react (everything we do, we're taking it fairly slow. We don't want to rush and get him or anyone else hurt). He was totally calm, so I got in the cart, and we were off. The first couple of times around, he was a little confused about the shafts along his sides, and every time the wheel hit a rock (which there are plenty of in the ring :~) ), he would stop. But with reassurances and encouragement, he kept going, and in a short time was acting like he had been driving for quite some time.
Mala drove him, then got Abi, who was home sick from school. You know the girl loves horses when she's sick and will still come all the way down to the ring for a chance to drive :~). And Hercules performed beautifully. He has never seemed really happy in any job we have given him until now. He seemed happy, and even with two of us in the cart, and him doing a lot of trotting, he was barely even warm, and wanted to keep trotting.
I was about ready to pop. I am so proud of Herc! It has only been around 8 weeks (at the most, I'm not sure of the date when we started) since the time he was like, 'Ground driving? What's that? Aren't you supposed to be on my back when you have the reins?'
We still have plenty of work to do, but he has come so far. He really is a phenomenal little pony. Can't wait to try therapy with the cart...

Why we do what we do

I posted this on the Leg Up facebook page, and thought I'd put it here too. Sometimes it is good, even when you are passionate about the cause you are working with, to write down why you are passionate about it. There is a lot of skepticism toward horse therapy sometimes, and I know that I will run into it. So I wrote this to remind myself what the reasons are for doing horse therapy. I can look back at this on those days that everyone says I am crazy, and I can say, "No! I know why I am doing this, and it is worth every bit of hardship. These are my reasons, and I won't back down."
So here it is:
We do what we do because we see that it works. We see the smiles, we see lives being changed, and we know that God is rejoicing over us as we use his creation to reach his children.
When people are willing to stand in the rain so their child can have therapy, we know that it is making a difference. When we see the girls' confidence growing, or see one of the kids who is able to sit up on their own a little better, we know we are giving them a better chance at life.
Yeah, sometimes it's hard. It's a little uncomfortable walking around soaked to the bone because you've been caught in a rain shower. There are times that the horses don't behave the way we want them to, or traffic is backed up like crazy because of the tourists, or a horse is sick, or any number of things. Working with animals is always less predictable than sitting down with a cup of tea and talking about life. And then when you throw in the Indian culture with their, 'eh, we'll get there when we get there.' mentality that makes it ok to say you'll be there in 5 minutes when you really know it'll be an hour or two, things get interesting.
But even when things are tough, if you see that you are making a difference, it is easier to continue. You can't give up, because you will let those who are counting on you down. And people do count on these ponies. God can use everything, and through Leg Up, he uses 4 ponies to improve the lives of 5 girls and 9 children with handicaps. And the program will only progress from here.
And that's why we do what we do. God has given us an opportunity to reach lives using a somewhat unorthodox method, and we are going to run with that and continue the work he has given us to do.

Outward Appearance.

It is so very easy sometimes to forget what these girls we're working with have been through. A weekend at camp makes them seem like any student I would typically be around at camp. I mean, I know theses are all girls that have been rescued from prostitution, but it's not the way I see them when they're jumping on me in the hammock, or they're making me bracelets during craft time, or anything like that. These girls are a bunch of crazy people sometimes. They're amazing.
But then it hits even harder when there's a testimony time, and one of the girls that was just clowning an hour before, gets up to tell her story.
You see a girl break down crying as she speaks about her Mother working in the fields. Then she tells about searching for a job so she could help her Mom, and how that led to her being sold to a brothel. Though she remains strong as she tells about being beaten and raped, she cannot hold it together when the translator begins to sing a worship song after her testimony. And all around the campfire, girls are sniffling and crying because they understand what she has gone through.
The first night of camp, one girl gave her testimony, and talked about how she tried several times to kill herself while she was in prostitution. She tried to hang herself, and even burn herself to death. And this girl is now on Horse and Rider, the movie about Leg Up, and she wants to share her testimony with anyone who will listen. She says there is no reason for her to be afraid to tell what God has done in her life. She is so goofy, and is always talking about finding me an Indian man to marry, and just saying silly things like that.
To look at this group of girls, you wouldn't think that they've been through what they have been through. But this shows why it is so important that they are rescued. These aren't happy women who have chosen to sell themselves because it is a lucrative way of life, where they have sex all the time, and get paid a lot of money. These are girls who have been sold againt their will, and they don't see a rupee of the money that is paid for their services.
Some of the girls have made bad choices; running away from home (though usually there is abuse, or another good reason for that), or trusting strangers or something like that, but in no way should that be enough to condemn a girl (or woman) to a life like this.
I look at the girls and see the joy and childlike excitement on their faces, and then I see major scars and I remember what their past is. But that is totally unimportant. God doesn't look at their scars, so why should I?
1 Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
How do we look at the heart though? I think I see it when girls are crying for one another, or getting chai and biscuits for someone who is not feeling well, or when they're cheering for their friends who are frightened to try something new. I can see the sweetness of their hearts that still survives in spite of all they have been through. And that is what God looks at, not the scars, or the attitude issues, or anything else unimportant.
I just need to remember this when they do something that grates on my nerves... :~)

I think

This is something I posted on Facebook in 2009. I was thinking about it earlier today, and thought I should repost it. Enjoy. 


I THINK... 

I think that it is a good thing that I cannot see the plans of God... 

I think that poetry is simply how you express emotion with your hands... 

I think that abortion is pretty much, if not definitely, the worst crime... 

I think that one day we will look back on so much of what worries us now, and laugh... 

I think that it is good for us that God has a sense of humour... 

I think that many problems would be solved if Christians really cared for others the way they cared for themselves... 

I think that a little girl who has a horse as a best friend is the luckiest little girl... 

I think that friends of all ages (even those you don't realize are friends) are what truly make you who you are... 

I think that deep, intense conversations are one of the ultimate ways to deepen a friendship... 

I think that a true friend is the next best thing to family... 

I think that dancing in the rain is something that everyone should do at least once in their life... 

I think that swearing shows a decided lack of intelligence... 

I think that one of the most humbling experiences is serving people who would be considered socially below you... 

I think that memories would be the worst thing to lose... 

I think that when one person in a group is completely honest, that is when you see everyone's true colours... 

I think that things are blown way out of proportion a lot... 

I think that tragedy goes a long way in defining who you are... 

I think the worst thing a friend can do is to not be there for you... 

I think that sometimes, life cannot be determined by good or bad, but by how you react to either... 

I think that everyone should find at least one book that they can absolutely get lost in... 

I think God weeps when He watches us more than we realize... 

I think also that God smiles more than we would guess... 

I think that the ability to think is one of the best and worst gifts we have been given... 

I think that sorrow draws people together much faster and more solid than joy in many cases... 

What do you think?