We Close Our Eyes

We were watching the movie “In Time”. Sometimes I’m a little embarrassed that I like that movie. It is a Justin Timberlake movie after all. But come to find, he’s not a half bad actor. And there are some really thought-provoking quotes and moments in the movie. It’s not one of those where I think, ‘oh, it wouldn’t take too long for us to get to this point.’, mainly because I don’t think they’d come up with the technology needed to make it happen. But the greed and the whole idea that it’s ok for many to die in order that a few live is not a very foreign concept. We are selfish people, and many would hoard time, being sure that they would never die, and not caring that others would die because there wasn’t enough time in the world for everyone.
There’s a part that really caught my attention. Will and Sylvia, the main characters are talking. Sylvia is asking Will how he can stand having such a small amount of time at his disposal. She is used to having unlimited time, and the idea that she will live forever. This is part of the conversation they have:
Sylvia: “Will, if you get a lot of time, are you really gonna give it away?”
Will: “I've only ever had a day. How much do you need? How can you live with yourself watching people die right next to you?”
Sylvia: “We don't watch. We close our eyes.”
This is something that does resonate in our society right now. Because, let’s be honest...how much time do we really have? I mean really, we’re not guaranteed to have even a full day ahead of us. I could drop dead with no warning. You could die before you finish reading this. And yet, so much of our time is spent on our own comfort. Trying to add more time to our lives, or at the very least, trying to protect what time we think we have. Oh, it’s not always technically at the expense of others, but as we are self-focused, we don’t take the time to help others.
We close our eyes. We pretend that those who are dying simply do not exist. We go on about our days, acting as though protecting our own lives is our God-given task. Though Proverbs states pretty clearly the exact opposite.
Proverbs 24:11
Rescue those being led away to death;
hold back those staggering toward slaughter.
That doesn’t sound at all like we are supposed to go through life with our eyes shut, pretending that things are perfect around us. We are supposed to get close to those who are hurting; those who are so close to death that they don’t even care what they are staggering toward anymore.
In the movie, the people who give time to others who are running out of time are a threat to “normal society” due to the fact that they are giving hope. Hope is at the same time an incredible gift, and a huge danger. To those who are close to death, hope can change their outlook, make them willing to fight. For those trying to remain in control by destroying hope, hope is a weapon that can be used against them.
Giving hope is a dangerous job. Are you willing to do it anyway? Will you open your eyes and see what is happening around you? Will you accept the fact that you have only one day, and do the best you can with that one day? That way, if you are granted another day, you already know how to make the best of it. 

Defense Mechanism

I started doing horse therapy at Pegasus Special Riders when I was twelve. Over the years, I have met dozens of horses there, and, though I tell myself not to grow too attached because they are not after all my horses, there have been certain horses that I have really connected to.

I have this tendency to fall for the horses that no one else likes. Stubborn, or moody; sometimes it's the "ugly" horses that I like. I don't know how many times I've heard, "How can you like -Insert horse name here- he/she bites/kicks/is stubborn/is butt ugly". But there is something to be said for each one of those horses. I get bored with the horses that are dull, the ones who go about their tasks in a robotic fashion, not offering any trouble, but also not offering any personality. I would prefer a horse that tries to make things interesting. It keeps the class from getting too boring.
One horse came along a few years ago that I even had a tough time liking at first. Her name, ironically enough, was Jubilee. She was a bay Tennessee Walker, and if not for the fact of her breeding, we most likely would not have used her. She was a pill. She tried to bite or kick when she was tacked, and she was just flat out moody. Her smooth gait though, was perfect for our riders, who lacked balance, and had difficulties sitting a trot. They could get the speed with her running walk, but not have the bounce of a typical trot. Much more therapeutic, and less scary.
The day I decided I liked her was the first day she kicked me (yeah, I don't know why I like the horses I like. Though I tend to like people who "aren't the people I should like" too, so go figure). I was sidewalking with her while the group was trotting, and she kicked out at me. She barely clipped me, and my first reaction was to get mad at her. We did not need a therapy horse that kicked people. Watching her though, I realized that she was not kicking to be mean. She was kicking out of fear. She had a person in front leading her, and a person very close on the right, and a wall very close on the left. She was claustrophobic, and reacting in the only way she knew to react. That seemed to be her reasoning for reacting badly to being saddled as well. Several people tacked her up every week, and each one had a different way of saddling. Some were gentle as they tightened the girth, some were pretty rough, jerking on the cinch, and hurting her sensitive girth area. Finally, unsure of what to do with all of the people constantly around her, she sunk into the only defense mechanisms she knew, and became a moody, aggressive horse. Her aggression always seemed half-hearted, as though she didn't really want to be that way, but didn't know how else to act. Out in the pasture, she was with a couple of dominant mares, who pushed her around and chased her away from the food, so even when she wasn't working, she didn't really have a reprieve from the negative. Her defense mechanisms grew deeper, and she didn't bother trying to discern between people who would be gentle, and people who would be rough.
One summer, I offered to take Jubilee home with me, just for the summer. She and Magic, an Arab gelding who was the epitome of the perfect therapy horse, were both in need of a lot of grazing time. So I took them and they spent the summer at my Grandparents' house, grazing to their hearts content. We rode a few times, and the surprising thing was that, while Jubi was the bad therapy horse, and Magic was the perfect one, Magic was a terrible trail horse, and Jubi was good. I definitely had more fun riding her, which I was not expecting. I came to like the little mare even more over that summer.
The time came to return the two horses, and I did, but then after some thought, decided that there was no way that I could let her stay at Pegasus over the winter. As thin as she was (she was old and had bad teeth), she would never survive the winter. So I pretty much just told people that I was taking Jubilee home with me to stay. No one really cared. No one liked her, so I didn't have any problems convincing anyone that Jubilee would be better off at my place.
Over the winter, we didn't do much, because it was cold (and Jubi was so skinny that she definitely needed to be ridden with a saddle. Bareback is much nicer in the winter). But come spring, I was out riding her. It took very little time to get her over her bad habits. Tacking up was the biggest deal for her. She had come to expect pain when a saddle was put on her, so she reacted accordingly. One day, I took the saddle out, and put it on her a few times. Put it on, cinched it up gently, took it off and did it again. After that, she knew that she didn't have to kick. It got to the point, with very little work actually, that I could touch her anywhere I wanted to, and she wouldn't even threaten me. It took little work, but it took some time. I had to show her that I could be trusted, and as soon as she really accepted that, that was all there was to it. She came out of the little fort she had built from her defense mechanisms, and became an awesome little horse. I took my cousins riding with me on her, and we could canter around, riding double (Tennessee Walkers also have incredible canters, come to find...), and I had no concern for their safety. She was a sweet horse.
The week that she died was a cold one. It was around Christmas time, and one day she laid down and couldn't get back up. She was laying up on her chest though, looking around, eating and drinking, and seemed really happy. I spent a lot of time sitting with her that week. Every time she saw me coming out toward her, she would whinny happily. I think she got bored when she was alone. A few nights, I put on my snowsuit and went out to spend at least part of the night with her. I'd curl up next to her (she was wrapped in blankets so she didn't get too cold either), and fall asleep til the cold woke me. She was happy to have my company. She was no longer a horse that merely tolerated people, and I wasn't the least bit concerned sleeping next to her that she would try to bite or do anything mean. We had a mutual trust and affection for each other.
I only had Jubi for a couple of years. It wasn't very long. There were times that I regretted taking her. Not because I didn't like her, but because I didn't realize what a great horse she was. I didn't want to grow so attached to her, only to have her die. But really, that last bit of time here seemed to be the best she had seen in a long time. She was able to be the horse she was meant to be, affectionate, sweet, a good friend. And I was glad to be able to give her that, and to be the one to help her trust again.

I don't hate you, I'm introverted. Though if you ask one more time, yes I do hate you.

An incredible view on being an introvert. Introverts are not terrible people. If you carry a book to read when you're going to be in a group setting, you are not horrible. You are not anti-social, anti-people, or even shy.
Growing up, no one believed that my sister was the shy one of the two of us. Because once she knew people, she was very extroverted. She was the bubbly, giggly one, who talked all the time and loved attention. Still does, though not to the degree she used to. But I was the one who would strike up conversations with people that she wanted to talk to. People I had no interest in meeting, but I would meet them just so that she would have an "in" to come and join our conversation. Honestly, half the time, even when I was around people I knew, I was just as happy with my nose in a book. I didn't really care if people were talking. I could listen to the conversation and read at the same time, and if there was something interesting happening, I'd set my book down for a minute.
I had a boss recently tell me that I needed to take personal development classes, because I didn't know how to communicate with people. She said I was rude when I came into the office, because I didn't bubble over every time I walked into the room (though when I tried talking to people when I walked in the office, I usually just had blank stares, or people deliberately avoiding my greeting...). She finally said that I did not have any people skills. I was also told that I didn't know how to communicate, because I preferred written communication to verbal. I would email or text about things that were happening rather than making a phone call or setting up a meeting (the latter partly due to schedule conflicts). I was told that she knew it was my communication style, but it was not hers, so I needed to change my style.
Too often, that's the way it works. Introverts are told that they need to change because others are not comfortable with the way they communicate or act. So then we have to live in a way that we are uncomfortable with.
After this lecture about how I needed to pretty well change my whole personality, I talked to a friend about it. I was questioning if I really was that bad of a person. And she told me that she disagreed. She thought my people skills were good, but figured that they probably depended upon who I was around. She was one of the first people outside of my family to really understand my introversion. It's a case of being strained by social interaction, especially if it is negative. When I am around people who stress me out, I am drained. All I have the energy for is basic cordiality. When I am around people who are uplifting, I don't need so much alone time. I'm filled by being with them instead of being drained.
Introverted people should not be made to feel that they are terrible humans who need to change who they are in order to be good people. There will be some cases, be it work or simply life in general, where you will have to step out of your comfort zone and do something that is draining to you. We have to accommodate others in the way that we would love for them to accommodate us. Too much introversion and too much extroversion are both dangerous things. Like Mrs Cain said, there needs to be a balance between introverts and extroverts. Not only in the world, but within each person. When we allow introversion to keep us from doing the things we know we are supposed to do, we're selling ourselves short. Sometimes it is hard for introverts to do something extroverted (or at least less introverted), because we know the reactions we will get. People will be shocked and will make a big deal of it, something that introverts of course hate. But don't let that stop you. The world needs introverts, so don't let someone tell you that you need to change just because you don't fit their comfort zone. Be who you are meant to be.

A Bay in the Badlands

People say sometimes that I don't care. I don't have a heart. Things of that nature. Though I suppose I cannot fault them. I recently told a friend that he had no need to worry about the state of my heart, because I don't have one.
That of course is not entirely true. For one thing, it isn't physically possible to not have a heart. And for another thing, I definitely have a heart. I feel things very deeply. Sometimes more deeply than other people do. I have found that I often am bothered by things that don't really affect other people.
For example, we were on vacation several years ago. I think we were in the Badlands, but I'm not entirely certain. It made for a good title though, so I went with it. We saw some random horses, though whether they were properly wild, or just wandering away from a ranch, I didn't know. Almost all of the horses we saw were in little herds, grazing calmly on the short grass. One that I saw though, really caught my eye.
He was a bay (one of my favourite horse colours), and he was walking by himself. Perhaps he was a bachelor stallion, maybe a bit too young to have his own harem, or just recently chased from his herd by the herd stallion. But in that case, I wondered why he hadn't attached himself to a bachelor herd. Why was he alone?

Watching him, he looked more like an older horse. Perhaps a stallion which had been ousted by a younger stud who stole his herd. Maybe he was too old to manage the walking that a herd needed to do to find enough food each day.
Whatever the case with him, he looked like an old sad horse that needed a lot of TLC. And would not get it, because he was out on the open range, a harsh place even for a perfectly healthy horse. And that really upset me. I know that horses die everyday, but I worried about what would happen to him, especially come winter, when it would be even harder to find food, and difficult to survive alone.
I don't know if my family knew I was upset. I know I mentioned the horse, but I don't know that I mentioned my concerns. It was one of those cases where I knew there was nothing that I could do about it. We were on vacation, my parents would never let me try to catch a horse, we had a mini-van, there was no way to find out if he belonged to anyone, etc, etc. But I still couldn't get him out of my mind. I mean, I still think about it sometimes (not obsessively, he just comes to mind on occasion, which is probably obvious since I'm writing about him). For a while, I questioned if there was something I could have done, even knowing that there wasn't. I've had various "throw-away" horses in my life, and sometimes they're the best horses you'll find. They are imperfect according to most standards, but they are loving and you can form a strong attachment to a horse who needs a companion. I don't believe anyone should be thrown away.
While I was in Africa, I had another experience that runs along this vein may hit closer to home with non-horse people.
We were waiting in our van, ready to go back to the hostel after supper. We had the windows open and we were about the leave when a kid came up, reached through the window and snatched the purse from one of the girls, and tried to run off down the road. Fortunately for her, she had the strap of her purse over her shoulder, and he dropped the bag when he felt the resistance. Our drivers ran after him for a ways, shouting things that it was probably good we couldn't understand, then gave up. He hadn't actually stolen anything after all.
There was a general uproar in the van. People were indignant that this would have happened. Apparently they expected Mwanza to be as mellow as Freeport. Attitudes went from anger and shock to amusement. Everyone seemed happy to have a good "Africa story" to tell.
Both of these attitudes bothered me. I guess the anger was a bit understandable. It sucks to have someone try to steal something from you. It's a very violating feeling. But not a single person stopped to wonder what that kid's reasons for stealing were. They didn't mention the fact that there was a very good chance that he had no other idea how he could manage to get money. Yeah, maybe it was just a stunt, but there was a very good chance that he had strong reasons to try to steal that night.
The amusement bothered me even more. There we were, on a mission trip, and everyone was talking about a little kid who was stealing as though it was an act in a play. It didn't seem like anyone looked at him as a real person. Laughing at a thief who was probably about 10-12 just didn't make sense to me.
I didn't know what to say that night either. The kid was gone. He disappeared quickly down the dark road. There was no way to find him and see if he needed help.And no one seemed too interested in talking seriously about the situation. It had gone to amusing, and that’s where it was going to stay.
When we got back to the hostel, I couldn’t get the kid out of my mind. I sat on the balcony, thinking about the situation, and wondering if something could have been done. Though, like I said there was nothing to be done. It affected me to the point of tears, though sadly, my tears really did nothing.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I didn’t care. It would be great if I could be unaffected by circumstances that I cannot control in any way. But then I would be jaded. And that's one of my biggest fears. To actually become what people say I already am. Because if you're jaded, you don't feel pain so much, but you also don't feel joy. Sometimes your greatest joy comes after times of sorrow.
In some cases, all you can do is think about it, process, pray about it, and move on. Because other than that, there's nothing you can do about it, no matter how much you care.

Madcap adventure.

Life, when done right, is a madcap adventure, not dissimilar to how it was riding a motorcycle on the mountain roads in Ooty. You never quite know what is going to be around the next curve. Sometimes you want to slow down to barely a crawl, because you’re afraid. But when you slow that much, that is when you lose your balance and topple over.

I’m sort of in one of those places right now. Unsure of exactly what to do. I’ve sort of committed to one job, but that’s only for 4 months. I had the option of accepting a longer term position there, but decided due to various reasons, that I did not want to. So I accepted a shorter job, but that leaves a lot to be decided. Should I just do the job and leave India immediately after? Should I explore India when I am done with work (something I’ve not had time to do)? Should I visit another country? Should I come home? What the heck should I do???
Things seem to be speeding up, and I am coming to a sharp curve, where I need to make up my mind where I want to go. I’m having a hard time keeping myself from panicking and “slamming on the brakes”, because I know that if I do, I’ll crash and not make a choice at all.

Then you have those days where the road is foggy, and you can hardly see where you're going. Which way does the road curve, and where's the turn you should be taking? Again, you know that if you slow too much, you'll crash before you get to the road you're supposed to take. But then you feel that if you don't slow enough, you'll miss your turning and end up kilometers from where you're supposed to be.

Bury the Dead

There are two churches in Ooty that are “must see” churches. You’re supposed to check out the churches, and their cemeteries. Since this last time in Ooty was my 4th time there, and I would be leaving in about a week, I decided to go and check them out.

Why is it that we spend so much time and money making a beautiful place for, as one grave put it, “the earthly tenement” of those we love? Is it a last gift to one we’ll not see again on this earth? An apology for the wrongs we have done? Trying to make up for those times that we did not do what we should have? As an outlet for our grief, less destructive than lashing out?

So many of these graves were for children, or the “beloved wife” who had died quite young. What were those left behind thinking? Many of the were the wives or children of British military officers who had been stationed in India. What did they think of the fact that their young families died so early, probably due a lot to being in India. Did they regret their military careers, or did they accept their families as military casualties? Are the fancy tombs an attempt to make up for bringing them to their deaths? Was there fear that when the last member of the family died, they would all be forgotten?

I’ve always said that I would prefer to have my body chucked out in the woods for bears to eat (or panthers or raccoons...you know, I’m not picky, whatever wildlife is around when I die is fine by me.). I don’t want my death to cause huge hassles for the people I love.

I’ve been told that if I die in another country, my family will pay to have my body brought home. Closure and all of that. I suppose it’s nice in a way, but I also think it’s a bit silly. It’s a body. I don’t care what happens to it. I’d rather the money go to a charity or a ministry that I believe in than to have it go toward a nice casket and a burial for me. I don’t even care what is written on the tombstone, or what is said about me after I die. If I don’t have people who care about me enough to say nice things before I die, it doesn’t really matter what they say when I am gone.

And that’s how I want it to be with the people in my life. I don’t want to wait til after they’re dead to say good things about them, or to have to write loving words on their tombstone because I feel guilty for not saying it in real life.

100 books

I have seen several lists of 100 books one MUST read. I often look at them to see if there are books on them that I am missing out on reading. Often though, the books on the lists which I have read, I have hated. Lord of the Flies? How on earth did that become a classic? And yes, I realize that it is my own opinion, and there are a lot of people who love that book. I just wasn't impressed.
So I have made my own top 100 book list. There's a good chance that I've left out some very good books. With the number of books I have read, things like that happen. Not all of these books are safe for a general audience. Use your judgment.
I've also added some quotes by C.S. Lewis that I've found all over the place. He has some of the best quotes I've read about reading, and especially reading children's books.
Enjoy! (and then comment and let me know what books you like :~) ).

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Oh, and the books are sorted as follows:
Fiction
Fantasy
Non-Fiction
Historical Fiction
Kids' Books
Classics

1. Abarat-Clive Barker
2. A Bride in the Bargain-Deanne Gist
3. A Bridge Called Hope-Kim Meeder
4. Airman-Eoin Colfer
5. Alice In Wonderland-Lewis Carroll
6. A Little Princess-Frances Hodgson Burnett
7. American Family Portrait Series-Jack Cavanaugh
8. Angel Unaware-Dale Evans Rogers
9. Animal Farm-George Orwell
10. Are You My Mother?-P.D. Eastman
11. A Ring of Endless Light-Madeleine L'Engle  
    
12. A Swiftly Tilting Planet-Madeleine L'Engle
13. A Tale Dark and Grimm-Adam Gidwitz
14. A Wrinkle in Time-Madeleine L'Engle
15. Behind the Attic Wall-Silvia Cassedy
16. Blink-Ted Dekker
17. Bridge to Terabithia-Katherine Paterson
18. By Firelight-Laura Webster
19. Calvin and Hobbes-Bill Watterson
20. Crazy Love-Francis Chan
21. Dracula-Bram Stoker
22. Dragon on My Belly-Laura Webster
23. Dr. Seuss Books-Dr. Seuss
24. Ella Enchanted-Gail Carson Levine
25. Farenheit 451-Ray Bradbury
26. Fell-David Clement-Davies
27. Fire Bringer-David Clement-Davies
28. For Love of a Donkey-Betty Bowen
29. For Time and Eternity-Allison Pittman
30. Garfield Books-Jim Davis
31. Harry Potter-J.K. Rowling
32. Hatchet-Gary Paulsen
    
33. Hope Rising-Kim Meeder
34. Immanuel's Veins-Ted Dekker
35. Is Your Mama A Llama?-Deborah Guarino
36. Island of the Blue Dolphins-Scott O'Dell
37. Jesus Freaks-DC Talk
38. Keys to the Kingdom-Garth Nix
39. Les Miserables-Victor Hugo
40. Lightfoot the Deer-Thornton W. Burgess
41. Little House Books-Laura Ingalls Wilder
42. Lucy-Laurence Gonzales
43. Magnus-Jack Cavanaugh
44. Many Waters-Madeleine L'Engle
45. Misty of Chincoteague-Marguerite Henry 
    
46. Number the Stars-Lois Lowry
47. Pride and Prejudice-Jane Austen
48. Pushkin's Poems-Alexandr Pushkin
49. Redeeming Love-Francine Rivers
50. Running out of Time-Margaret Peterson Haddix
51. Sing Down the Moon-Scott O'Dell
52. Sixteen Brides-Stephanie Grace Whitson
53. Slave Girl-Betsy Haynes
54. Snoopy Books-Charles Shultz
55. Starting You Marriage Right-Dennis and Barbara Rainey
56. The Barely There Books-Stephen Cosgrove
57. The Bible-God
58. The Book of Hours-T. Davis Bunn
59. The Book of Virtues-William J. Bennett
60. The Book Thief-Markus Zusak
61. The Boxcar Children-Gertrude Chandler Warner
62. The Chronicles of Narnia-C.S. Lewis
63. The Circle Trilogy-Ted Dekker
64. The Cooper Kids Adventures-Frank Peretti
65. The Elevator-Angela Hunt
66. The Enchanted Forest Chronicles-Patricia C. Wrede
67. The Foundling-Linda Hayner
68. The Fourth Realm Trilogy-John Twelve Hawks
69. The Frencolian Chronicles-Carolyn Ann Aish
70. The Horse Boy-Rupert Isaacson
71. The Hunger Games Trilogy-Suzanne Collins
72. The Indian in the Cupboard-Lynn Reid Banks
    
73. The Last Lecture-Randy Pausch
74. The Mandie Series-Lois Gladys Leppard
75. The Messenger-Lois Lowry
76. The Novelist-Angela Hunt
77. The Oath-Frank Peretti
78. The Poky Little Puppy-Janette Sebring Lowry
79. The Prophet-Frank Peretti
80. The Prophet-Kahlil Gibran
81. The Russians-Michael Phillips
82. The Saggy Baggy Elephant-Byron Jackson
83. The Screwtape Letters-C.S. Lewis
84. The Shunning Series-Beverly Lewis
85. The Silver Anchor-Chester G. Osborne
86. The Stonewycke Trilogy-Michael Phillips and Judith Pella
87. The Stoning of Soraya M.-Freidoune Sahebjam and Richard Seaver
88. The Stranger-Caroline B. Cooney
89. The Trailblazer Books-Dave and Neta Jackson
90. The Tripods-John Christopher
91. The Wingfeather Saga-Andrew Peterson
92. The Witch of Blackbird Pond-Elizabeth George Speare
93. Thr3e-Ted Dekker
94. Through the Looking Glass-Lewis Carroll
95. Time Enough For Drums-Ann Rinaldi
96. To the Golden Shore-Courtney Anderson
97. Troubling a Star-Madeleine L'Engle
98. Tuesdays With Morrie-Mitch Albom
99. Women Writers of the Raj-Various
100. Zelda: The Queen of Paris-Paul Chutkow
     

Equal

“It’s no good Montag, we’ve all got to be alike. The only way to be happy is for everyone to be made equal.”  ---Fahrenheit 451
Books, writing, thought, opinions. These make us different. This is sort of the basis of Fahrenheit 451. Every book offends someone. Huckleberry Finn offends African Americans, books on lung cancer upset smokers, things like that. So get rid of anything which may offend any people group, and there will be peace.
I’d be interested to see how something like that would work. Deprived of fodder for their difference of opinion, I would suppose that many would go along like cattle and accept the single opinion given them. But others would refuse. They would not accept the “facts” that they are fed, and instead would find out the truth in whatever way necessary.

In every dystopian novel, there is at least a small faction fighting the system. It is made up of people who will not accept what they’re told just because they’re supposed to believe it. And in these communities, there’s always a hierarchy. There is usually a group of leaders that make the big decisions, and everyone has their tasks to do in order to make the community run smoothly. People are working together, but they are not technically equal. When we are all equal, we lose what makes us human. We were made to be many different parts of one body. The world falls apart when every part is turned into a foot.