Gazing Upon the Stars

"A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?""
I was sitting out on the tennis court earlier tonight, stargazing, and thinking about the unstoppability of life as the stars dipped closer to the horizon and disappeared from view. One might say that stargazing makes you feel how insignificant you are. But it shows me that I have significance. 
Revelations 4:11 says Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.
Everything; the stars, people, all of the amazing things I see every day, it was all created for God's pleasure. But he allows me to share in it, and to take pleasure. And I believe that he takes joy in my pleasure also. He could have made me like a servant, only here to do his bidding, and my happiness wouldn't come into play at all. But he didn't. He made it so that I get enjoyment out of the things that he has made. I love to watch the stars, and I love to hear a baby giggle, and I love riding horses in the mountains. And my joy makes him happy. 
God is not selfish in that way. He is selfish for us. He wants people to all belong to him, but everything else he has made, he wants to share. And he uses it to call us closer to him. It's so much easier sometimes to feel the presence of God when you're sitting on the beach in the moonlight, or up a mountain, or sitting in a massive thunderstorm. When you see his power, and all he has made, you feel him. 
And so I watch the stars. Not because it makes me feel little, but because it reminds me what a great God I serve, and how much he loves me. 

Solitary

One thing I have been struggling a lot with lately is feeling alone. It's kinda crazy, because there is facebook and email, and various ways to stay in touch with people. But that almost makes it worse, since even with the ease, I scarcely hear from people. And I feel forgotten. Sometimes I feel like there isn't anyone at home who knows where I am. Sometimes I initiate contact, but if I don't, nothing happens, and I talk only to my family. Which I like to do. But sometimes it stinks to not have anyone else to talk to.
It's hard when every time I leave, people are like, "No!!! Don't leave! I'll miss you so much!", but then when I'm gone, it's as though we never met in the first place. And then I return home, and they talk about how much they missed me, and they're happy to have me home.
I don't know. Maybe I am just being weird right now. But maybe not. It seems to be what regularly happens. I would love to know that there are people I can depend on no matter where on earth I am. It's hard to really make close friends here since I am working apart from the other volunteers most of the time. I enjoy spending time with people here, but it's not the type of friendship where I feel like I can share my heart, and have true closeness.
I'm not one for being around people all the time. If you know me at all, you know that. You know that I like my solitude. But sometimes I just want to sit down and have a long chat with someone about things that really matter. And not feel like I am imposing on their time. Now of course, this would be far better sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee or cocoa or something, But you can't have everything.
Sorry if this is too negative or depressing. I am not trying to guilt people, and I almost didn't even post anything, but when I decided to blog during this trip, I decided I wanted to be honest and open about both the good and the bad. And there's been bad that I haven't shared, so I figured it was about time that I actually was honest about my struggles. 

Choosing Loss

I am still trying to figure out why I make the choices that I make. I hate loss. Not losing, like in a competition, but losing those that I love. Whether human or animal. But the choices I make lead to loss. I was especially thinking about the area of owning horses. Those of you who know me know that horses are a huge part of my life. I have owned a few, and worked with many others. And now I am looking for another since Skye died. But then I shake my head and ask why on earth I would even consider getting a new horse.

The personality that horses have, combined with the length of their lives, gives one a chance to truly love them. The social structure of horses resembles that of humans. That is one reason that they are good to use for therapy here. The girls are able to see the way the horses interact, and learn lessons from that. This also makes it easier for a person to closely connect to a horse. Sometimes, when all else fails, and nothing in life makes sense, a good ride, or a long grooming session can help everything to stop whirling out of control. I've heard it said that horses are the best therapists.

Horses are also amazing friends. They are very blunt and honest about their feelings toward you. I hate two-faced people. I can't stand it when I don't know where I stand with someone. But with a horse, if they like you, they whicker at you, they practically climb in your pockets, they show that they like you. And if they don't like you, they run from you and kick you. And horses, especially those who are close to you, can sense your emotions, and respond to those. I have seen aloof horses that are willing to cuddle when their owner is distraught. I have seen hyperactive horses that will behave perfectly with a disabled rider.

So to get back on track, all of these things (and so much more) are what draw me to horses. But it is also what makes it so hard to lose a horse. It is harder to lose a horse than to lose any other kind of animal (to me at least). Yet, every time I decide to get a horse, I am setting myself up for that loss. Even if a horse lives to be really old, they're still only going to be maybe 40 or so. That means that unless something weird happens to me, I will outlive any horse I get. And I will have to go through that loss again. I've experienced it 3 times already with horses that were very dear to me, and it doesn't get any easier.

And yet, I choose that path that leads to loss again. Why? I read this quote in a book recently, "Remember that the price love asks may be high, but there's a dern good reason most people are willing to pay it over and over again. The ones who pay will know what they could've missed." I would rather experience love and lose that which I love than not experience love at all. So I keep choosing that path.

Don't need no stinkin' cowboy...

Don't worry. My grammar hasn't gone that far downhill during my time in India. The title is a quote from a t-shirt that is sold in tack catalogues. It says, "Got my horse, got my dog, don't need no stinkin' cowboy."
And that's just how I used to feel. Not necessarily about cowboys, but about people in general. I felt like, so long as I had horses around, I didn't need people. But that's not the case anymore.
Oh, I still love horses, and think they make way more sense than the average person (they're more honest if nothing else...), but they aren't all that I need in my life. I love working with the horses here, but I miss helping people 1 on 1. I miss being there for my students and friends. I absolutely love Saturdays when the Smyrna kids come for therapy. To see their smiles as they benefit from their time with the horses is great.
I know that what I am doing here is useful, but I wish there was more of a chance to see my impact. And maybe that's the point; to continue faithfully even when I don't see what is coming of the things I am doing.
You may have your horse and your dog, but ultimately, we all still need people.

Listening

I feel like I have grown a lot in the past couple of years. And it has been the kind of growth that really hurts for one reason or another. I lost my best friend, which I'm still hurt and confused about, the whole VT thing was nowhere near what I hoped for, and I watched my horse die after I tried for nearly 30 hours to save him. Among other things.
In the midst of it all, I've been crying out to God. Not blaming him, but asking him to take away the pain, and asking him to make it make sense. And often, it feels as though he is there, and is listening, but is not doing anything.
Then I wonder if I am yelling too loud as I cry to him. Can I not hear him? Am I pursuing him, but not pausing to see how he is pursuing me? Maybe I am allowed to have sorrow in my life so he can comfort me. Maybe there is confusion so he can make things clear to me, but I need to stop and listen. And allow God to be everything he is to me. Not just a listener, but a comforter and a counselor. I go to people I trust for counsel, but who better to go to than the one who already knows what my future holds?