I feel like I have grown a lot in the past couple of years. And it has been the kind of growth that really hurts for one reason or another. I lost my best friend, which I'm still hurt and confused about, the whole VT thing was nowhere near what I hoped for, and I watched my horse die after I tried for nearly 30 hours to save him. Among other things.
In the midst of it all, I've been crying out to God. Not blaming him, but asking him to take away the pain, and asking him to make it make sense. And often, it feels as though he is there, and is listening, but is not doing anything.
Then I wonder if I am yelling too loud as I cry to him. Can I not hear him? Am I pursuing him, but not pausing to see how he is pursuing me? Maybe I am allowed to have sorrow in my life so he can comfort me. Maybe there is confusion so he can make things clear to me, but I need to stop and listen. And allow God to be everything he is to me. Not just a listener, but a comforter and a counselor. I go to people I trust for counsel, but who better to go to than the one who already knows what my future holds?
In the midst of it all, I've been crying out to God. Not blaming him, but asking him to take away the pain, and asking him to make it make sense. And often, it feels as though he is there, and is listening, but is not doing anything.
Then I wonder if I am yelling too loud as I cry to him. Can I not hear him? Am I pursuing him, but not pausing to see how he is pursuing me? Maybe I am allowed to have sorrow in my life so he can comfort me. Maybe there is confusion so he can make things clear to me, but I need to stop and listen. And allow God to be everything he is to me. Not just a listener, but a comforter and a counselor. I go to people I trust for counsel, but who better to go to than the one who already knows what my future holds?
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