Yes, I am in a blogging mood today. It's my day off, and it is raining. So there you go. More reading material :~).
I was looking at my old phone a little while ago. The one from the States. I still use it, just not as a phone. I listen to music on it, or use it as a calculator or whatever.
This time I was looking at the calendar. I noticed that I had something scheduled for January 24th. Which, if you don't know, is the day that I left for India. What I had put as the name of the reminder was "The End". I'm not sure why I did that. I was probably in one of my freakouts, where I didn't know why the heck I was going to India. Ask my folks...I had a few of those. I think they were ready to kick me out of the house well before the 24th :~).
Looking at it now, "The End" seems a bit ridiculous. And melodramatic...I've of course never been called melodramatic...(that was sarcasm. There's no need to leave comments telling me how sarcastic I am). At the moment, I would call it the beginning. Not that I have been sitting around waiting for this to happen. I have been doing things, useful things even, but it is different here. I feel like I have been changing since I got here. Not in huge ways. Possibly not even in ways that others would notice. But ways that I notice. And some of those things are things that I have thought I should change for quite a while. But it's easy to stay the same when you are around the same people all the time. People who have an idea of how you should act, and how you should feel. It's very different when you are around people who do not know you at all.
I still have feelings of being inadequate. I feel like I will not be able to do enough here. I see the things that I am doing, and say, 'if only I could do more'. And I am sure there are areas where I could do more. But then someone will tell me what an amazing job I am doing, and what a difference I am making, and I realize that I am doing something worthwhile. I'm not just here to be another body on staff. I know this, but it's hard for me to really take hold of it.
I'm actually an adult here. Which is crazy... When I am around people at home, who have known me since I was a kid, or at least since I was a teen, I am still a kid in their eyes. Don't get me wrong...sitting at the kids' table at family meals is one of the things that I miss the most when I'm here. But actually being able to be a big part of a ministry, instead of just doing busywork so that I feel like I am helping, has been awesome. I feel like I am actually doing what God has called me to do, whereas at home, it often felt like I was trying, and just not getting any chances to do what God really had for me.
I am maturing in many areas. I'm still far from mature, which should come as no shock to anyone, but I can tell that inside, I am changing quite a lot. And it probably would never have happened had I stayed home. So I guess the 24th could be looked at as an end, but it was also a beginning.
I was looking at my old phone a little while ago. The one from the States. I still use it, just not as a phone. I listen to music on it, or use it as a calculator or whatever.
This time I was looking at the calendar. I noticed that I had something scheduled for January 24th. Which, if you don't know, is the day that I left for India. What I had put as the name of the reminder was "The End". I'm not sure why I did that. I was probably in one of my freakouts, where I didn't know why the heck I was going to India. Ask my folks...I had a few of those. I think they were ready to kick me out of the house well before the 24th :~).
Looking at it now, "The End" seems a bit ridiculous. And melodramatic...I've of course never been called melodramatic...(that was sarcasm. There's no need to leave comments telling me how sarcastic I am). At the moment, I would call it the beginning. Not that I have been sitting around waiting for this to happen. I have been doing things, useful things even, but it is different here. I feel like I have been changing since I got here. Not in huge ways. Possibly not even in ways that others would notice. But ways that I notice. And some of those things are things that I have thought I should change for quite a while. But it's easy to stay the same when you are around the same people all the time. People who have an idea of how you should act, and how you should feel. It's very different when you are around people who do not know you at all.
I still have feelings of being inadequate. I feel like I will not be able to do enough here. I see the things that I am doing, and say, 'if only I could do more'. And I am sure there are areas where I could do more. But then someone will tell me what an amazing job I am doing, and what a difference I am making, and I realize that I am doing something worthwhile. I'm not just here to be another body on staff. I know this, but it's hard for me to really take hold of it.
I'm actually an adult here. Which is crazy... When I am around people at home, who have known me since I was a kid, or at least since I was a teen, I am still a kid in their eyes. Don't get me wrong...sitting at the kids' table at family meals is one of the things that I miss the most when I'm here. But actually being able to be a big part of a ministry, instead of just doing busywork so that I feel like I am helping, has been awesome. I feel like I am actually doing what God has called me to do, whereas at home, it often felt like I was trying, and just not getting any chances to do what God really had for me.
I am maturing in many areas. I'm still far from mature, which should come as no shock to anyone, but I can tell that inside, I am changing quite a lot. And it probably would never have happened had I stayed home. So I guess the 24th could be looked at as an end, but it was also a beginning.
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