Gram

Gram
I don't understand the way that I feel. I feel like I want to die, and at the same time, I feel like I want to do something with my life. I feel like God hates me, and I feel like he's waiting with his arms open for me to run into them. My head is whirling, my heart is breaking, so now, at 1:17 am, I take pen in hand and write.
I write to ease my pain. I write to remember joy and I write to try to make sense of a world gone awry. 14 years, and a couple of months ago, I had finally saved up $100. It wasn't easy. I remember wanting to buy various things, and telling myself no, because I knew that the more I spent my money, the longer it would take to reach $100. And $100 was what I needed to buy Gram.
Who is Gram? Gram was my Aunt's pony. A sweet little pony (though at the time, she didn't seem so little to me) that I had been taking riding lessons on for a while. I was the only one who rode her anymore, so Neita said she would sell her to me for $200. My parents said that they would pay half, and finally, she was mine. That was the best $100 I've ever spent.
Gram and I were never the daredevil pair that you typically hear little girls and their ponies are. We only ever jumped accidentally, and I was too worried about holes that she could step in (our dogs like digging holes) to gallop madly across the field. But that doesn't mean she wasn't special to me.
We did a couple of 4-H shows together, but practicing for them was boring. The best practice was one where I put a cat in the saddle with me, dropped the reins, put my hands behind my head and let her go where she wanted. Didn't help with my showing, but it was fun.
The best thing though was when I learned to ride bareback (because I couldn't lift the saddle). We would be out for hours. As she has gotten older, the rides have gotten shorter, but also more important, because I never know how many more I have.
For as spooky and goofy as she is, Gram puts up with pretty much anything I do. She has tolerated goofy costumes, let me lay on her backwards (and ride her backwards), and so many other things. I always have to remind myself that other horses are not as tolerant of goofy antics as my sweet pony Gram.
And now she's dying. I'm in VT, trapped by floodwaters, and there's nothing I can do but pray. And I don't know what to do. I know you might think it's crazy for me to be so devastated about a pony, but she is my best friend. She comforts me when I'm sad, she's happy to spend time with me, and it always makes me laugh when I fall off because she stands just out of reach, watching with a concerned look until I stand up. But once she makes sure I'm ok, she takes off. Talk about loyalty.
I hate that this is happening right now. Especially right now. I'm coming home so soon, couldn't it wait? I don't understand it, but I guess there's a reason. I want to be with her, and I have no way to do that. I know there's nothing I could do. My Mom and Dr. Caroline are doing everything that can be done. But I still want to be with her. I love her.