In the Moment

Mom and I took Kita down to the creek on Sunday. It was sort of a "last hurrah". We knew while we were doing it that we probably won't have another chance to do so. We had to lift her into the Sport to drive her down there. She loves the Sport, and she loves the creek. But even knowing that, there was a point when we were getting her loaded into the Sport when Mom asked if we should even take her down. We weren't sure if she'd be able to enjoy it, or if she'd simply be miserable. But we went.

And I think it was a good thing. Kita didn't seem wildly thrilled with Mom's driving. I almost expected her to throw herself down and kiss the earth as soon as we came to a stop. She sat for a moment, looking like she wasn't sure why we'd drug her out of the house. Then she seemed to look around and see where we were.

Kita didn't want to lay down, she wanted to follow when I went to check out how shallow a section of the creek is getting. She wanted to wander right up to the edge of the creek, in a place where a stumble would mean a fall of about 3 feet into shallow water. I think she mostly enjoyed seeing Mom jump up and come to her rescue. She meandered about, and I helped her get into the water for a few minutes after she almost face-planted attempting it alone. Then she finally laid down and hung out with us while we fed the fish.

It wasn't the same as usual. She hasn't been eating well, so she didn't even try to steal the fish bread once. She didn't tromp through the water, muddying it up so that we couldn't see the fish. But she enjoyed herself as we pet her and talked to her, and took pictures of her. She looks a little grouchy in most of the pictures, but she often does when a camera is on her face. She's such a sweet, happy dog, but doesn't always show it in her expression.

To the casual bystander, it would have looked like Kita was hating the whole experience. But, knowing her, we were certain that she was enjoying it, though it wasn't easy for her.

After we came up from the creek, Kita wasn't ready to go inside. So we moseyed our way down the lane, which she has always enjoyed doing, and hasn't had the energy for recently. She went out into the hayfield to roll in the grass, and Mom and I (and Marius, who had joined us for this part), sat with her while she lolled about in the grass.

We've known for a while that Kita is on her last legs, so to speak. She had a stroke last fall, and we thought she'd die then. She rallied well during the winter, and she and I went hiking in the snow a lot. She and I share the same feelings about snow (that it is absolutely wonderful), so we had a lot of fun during the winter.

Now, as Kita is really doing poorly, it seems that every time we go for a bit of a walk with her, there's a bit of  "I should have done this more while she could walk". The other night, she couldn't walk all  the way down the lane, so we sat right at the top of the lane, and watched the fireflies. I had a moment of wishing things were different, wishing that I could go back and do more with her, and it almost ruined the time that we were having right then. But she didn't seem to mind. She was happy to watch the fireflies with me, and didn't seem at all bothered that we couldn't walk down the lane.
I realized in that moment that she isn't thinking about the things we've done or not done. She loves us, and doesn't hold a grudge for the times that we were gone all day and really didn't spend much time with her. She is happy with what is happening, even if it's less than what we used to do. She didn't say, "Oh my goodness...if you couldn't be bothered to take me for a walk when I could walk, don't bother now." She enjoyed it. And we enjoyed it. On the one hand, we were saying goodbye. On the other hand, we were doing what we've always done with Kita, even though it took us a lot more effort, getting her into the sport and keeping her from plummeting into the creek.

From my experience, no matter how much time you spend with anyone that you love, when it comes to the end, you wish you'd done more. When you see that they are no longer able to do what you've always done, you want to do those things even more. It's no longer something you take for granted. But you can't live with those regrets. You have to live in the moment, like a dog does. Appreciate the fact that you've done those things often enough that the loss of them leaves a hole in your life. We've taken Kita on enough of these walks that we knew, even when she was having a bit of a tough time, she was enjoying herself.