Where are we going?

Would we be different as a world if we were taught the truth about how precious life is? Sometimes I look at the world, and I just have to wonder how we ended up where we are. A world where abortion is allowed, and fought for as a "right". A world where the authorities turn a blind eye to human trafficking, and people do "sex tourism", raping their way across continents. A world where people walk into schools and movie theatres with guns, shooting everyone who stands in their line of sight. A world that just seems so messed up.
After reading the Hunger games, I stopped for a moment, and thought, "Seriously? How long would it honestly take our world to get to a point like that, a point where we revel in bloodthirsty games such as that? But no, many would argue that we are too advanced for that. Look at Rome though. They were an advanced civilization, and they had the gladiator games. And really, all that is necessary for this to come true is a complete disregard of human life. 
And we are well on our way to that disregard. We kill off "unwanted", "inconvenient" babies instead of giving them up for adoption. People are fighting to legalize euthanasia for elderly people. And couples are able, and even encouraged to "terminate" their pregnancies (really just a fancy word for having an abortion) if tests show that the baby has some sort of a handicap. 
We place worth on people as though we are pricing furniture. This person is too old, this person will have no quality of life, and on and on. But really, it is only a way to justify killing them. Of course, killing is given different names. "Termination", "Euthanasia", "Choice" "Mercy killing:. And we gives those being killed different names. ""Fetus", "Terminal patient", "Vegetable". And how does this differ so much from the Hunger Games? Instead of calling them murders, they called them games. Instead of victims, or children, they called them Tributes, acting as though it is an honour to kill and be killed for their district, and for the whole world. 
And ultimately, why is this allowed? It is allowed because certain people decide that life doesn't matter, and they brainwash the world into thinking that what they are doing is simply the way it is supposed to be. The worst part of it? The thing that makes this all possible? No one stands up for what they know is right until it is too late. They accept it; giving in to what has been decided for them. And eventually, many believe that what is happening really is ok. 
Are we accepting what happens in our world without question? Those who don't care about life, who want to get rid of "inconveniences", are the outspoken ones, they are making a stand, and they are getting their agenda passed while we sit and hope that abortion will end, and the world will change for the better. But something needs to be done. We have to fight back. We have to make our stand. A battle is not won by an army that sits in their camp pretending that the enemy doesn't exist. An army wins by fighting. 
First, we have to pray. Nothing will be changed if we do not prepare for battle. And the only way to prepare for a battle such as this is through prayer. And we need to stand up for what we know is right. We need to give voice to those who have no voices. 
Proverbs 24:11 Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. 

Grey Skye in my Broken Heart

It has been 5 months today since my horse Skye died, and this is something I wrote about a week after he died. It was slow going. I would write a couple of sentences, then have to stop or I would end up crying. We'll see how typing it out now goes. I still have days that I cannot believe he is gone. I get up and I want to take Skye out for a ride, and then I realize that I'm not going to see him again. And I miss him. Everything was just so sudden.
Anyway, here's the blog I wrote.
February 6-7, I experienced what was likely the hardest 27 hours I have experienced thus far.
It seemed to start innocently enough. I returned home from work, and prepared to go outside and do chores. As I glanced out the door, with my hand already on the door knob, I was greeted by a sight that every horse owner dreads. My dear horse Skye was on his backs, with his legs tucked up to his chest.
I ran out the door, absolutely terrified, screaming his name, and praying that he was not dead. Little did I know that in the next 27 hours, I would realize that it might have been better had he already been gone.
Skye was one of the most beautiful horses I have ever seen; both physically, and in his personality. He used to be a therapy horse, but failed at that, because he would lay down with a rider on his back. And when he was led, he would move as slowly as he possibly could. He was certainly not the most well-behaved horse I've ever met (and I learned shortly after I got him that he was full of energy while being ridden, and spooked quite violently when the dogs ran through dry leaves behind him), but that didn't matter at all. He'd just walk up and put his head in my arms, and I would melt. Skye was also the first horse I met who loved to have his belly scratched. He would be so happy and relaxed with someone scratching his belly that he'd almost fall asleep.
Anyway, I got Skye on his feet, and called the vet, but he wasn't too interested in standing while we waited. So I got a halter on him, and we walked for a while. It took about 1/2 an hour for the vet to arrive, and we walked that whole time. I tried to let him stop once in a while, but every time I did, he would drop to the ground and try to roll. My heart broke a little every time he did this. I knew he was in pain, and there was nothing that I could do for him.
I have seen colic in a number of horses, and often, it has been mild. We give the horse some painkillers, and maybe pour some mineral oil, or warm water with epsom salts into them, and everything clears up quickly. But the last horse I saw colic, a surrogate mare in VT, was the first horse I had seen die from colic. With that memory in mind, I was far more nervous than I usually am about colic. Plus, I love Skye like crazy, and the thought of losing him terrified me.
When Dr Bob came, he tried to check Skye's vitals, but Skye was in too much pain, and needed medicine first. After being given "happy juice", Skye calmed a bit. That was when Dr Bob noticed something odd about him. When a horse is in as much pain as Skye was, their heartbeat elevates quickly. But Skye's hadn't. In fact, his heart often went up to 5 seconds without a beat. Typical is 35-40 bpm. Dr Bob told me that, even if Skye pulled through the colic, he wouldn't be surprised if I walked out one day and found him dead because his heart had skipped a beat and forgot to start again. Not exactly the comforting words I wanted to hear...
Dr Bob put a tube in Skye and put some warm water and epsom salts into him, hoping that it would clear up the blockage. He told me to let Skye lay down, but try not to let him roll.
And for the rest of the morning, that is what I did. I did chores and had breakfast, stopping every once in a while to run out and get Skye to his feet so he wouldn't roll. At one point, he got cast (flipped onto his back up against something so he couldn't roll himself back over), but luckily it was against something I could move away from him. It is hard (and dangerous) to right a cast horse, and would have been next to impossible with a horse Skye's size without help.
I don't think I was in the house for more than 10 minutes at a time all morning. But late morning/early afternoon (my timing on this whole thing is a little mixed up), Skye started to get pretty frantic again. I called the vet once more, and that was when I started feeling like I might have to have him put down. After all of the painkillers he had been given, he should not have been feeling any pain.
When the vet got there this time, Skye was even worse. He started to thrash around when the painkillers were given to him, and slammed into Dr Bob's truck, messing up the mirror and denting the side of the truck, then threw himself onto my car, busting the spoiler off. Dr Bob got the shot to put Skye down. I called my aunt, needing someone with me (my folks were in Puerto Rico, and were supposed to get home the next day). But by the time Neita arrived, the painkillers were kicking in. Dr Bob wasn't really thrilled with my choice to wait and not put Skye down, but I just could not take away the chance.
Skye was pretty drugged by that time. He would meander around the yard, running into things, unless I stood in front of him, cradling his head against my chest. So we stood like that for a long time. Until he wanted to lay down for a while.
I let Skye rest, and the remainder of the evening, and on into the night, was super rough on me. Skye would seem good for a while; showing interest in food and water, seeming to be comfortable, and then he would seem like he was in great pain, making me wonder if I should call the vet out in the middle of the night.
That night, I alternated between trying to get some sleep (I knew I would need it if it came down to making the decision to put him down), and spending time with him. I made up stories to tell him, and I sang to him, and I prayed. A lot. I begged God to spare Skye's life. Then I begged him to take him quickly, to end his pain. I told God that I would rather lose Skye than have him be in pain.
I was to the point that I couldn't even cry. I felt bad about this. Of all the things to feel bad about...I felt like I should show more emotion knowing that I might be losing my horse. But I had no more tears to cry. And my grief was too deep for tears. This is something I have been feeling a lot lately. I find that if I am sad and I don't cry, it's more likely because I am far too sad to cry rather than not being very sad at all. So I just sat with him.
The next morning felt like the cruelest trick ever. When I woke, Skye was up, walking around the yard, seeming much better than he had been. I thought we were out of danger. Until about 10:30. I looked out the window and saw him stumbling around like he had been before the afternoon vet visit. My heart dropped. I went out to see what was up, but I pretty well knew what the outcome would be.
I checked Skye's heart, not really expecting anything, and found that it was elevated to 100 bpm. This was the final blow. I knew that the way his heart was, he would have to be in immense pain to react in this way. I called Neita to ask her to come out, and called and texted some friends to ask for prayer. And then I called the vet. While this was all going on, Skye wandered down the lane, seeming to be rather distracted; not really paying attention to me. When I was talking to the vet, Skye laid down by the driveway.
I got off the phone and sat near Skye, being pretty careful about how close I got. I have seen horses in pain that thrash and kick out farther than you would ever think possible. And they have no idea what they are doing. But then he stretched his head out toward me, trying to reach me. So I moved closer, holding his head, and he relaxed as soon as I touched him. There were some muscle tremors, then he took a breath. And that was it. He was gone.
Neita pulled into the driveway just as Skye drew his last breath, and Dr Bob was about 5 minutes later. I feel like even in Skye's death, God was there for me. I had to make the choice to have Skye put down, but I didn't actually have to watch him be put down. It's not just a gentle "falling asleep" when a horse is put down, and I did not want to watch that happen to him. And God was merciful and didn't make me go through that.
At the end of those 27 hours, I was tired from staying up half the night with Skye. I had blisters on my feet from just slipping into rubber boots without socks so that I could run outside as fast as I could to keep him from rolling, and then walking around for hours with him. I had a hair burn on my chin from one of the times he was thrashing in pain and caught me in the face with his head. And I was just achy all over from trying to keep him from rolling, and keep him comfortable. But that was nothing compared to how emotionally exhausted I was. I posted on facebook later that evening that I felt like I had really aged a lot in the last day. And my aunt told me that it wasn't aging so much as it was growing up. Which was probably true. Sometimes you have to go through something hard in order to grow in the ways you need to grow. I'd just as soon avoid the pain, but if that happened, I would avoid the growth as well.
I said that during those couple of days, my mind was trying to tell me what to do, but my heart kept saying, "Stand back, I've got this." And I don't regret listening to my heart. Yeah, maybe I should have had Skye put down earlier. But that is one of those things that you have to know when it is right. And when I knew, I called. Sometimes listening to your heart might not seem like the wisest thing (had I simply listened to my mind, my heart would not have been broken so badly), but if you stop listening to it altogether, you run the risk of forgetting how to listen to it. And I would much rather have a broken heart than a dead one. I would rather love and have pain than not love at all.
I miss my Skyeboy. I'll not find another horse like him. But I feel that I was blessed to have him for the short time I had him. 

God Dances

God dances over us! How stinking amazing is that?!?!? The Lord of Heaven and Earth rejoices because of me!!! 

I've noticed that this is something that comes up frequently when I'm praying, or when I am supposed to do a  Bible study. And it really just hit me! He loves me so much!!! I just don't get it. There is NO reason that God should feel this way toward me. And I think that the reason it is so important for me to share it is because I am realizing how important it is in my life, and I want others to feel that love and know how important they are too. 

There are moments where I feel worthless and I can't understand how anyone could care about me, or want me. But if God feels that way about me, who am I to say no one else can feel that way? Who am I to say that I don't even feel worthy of anyone's love? If God says that I am worth His time, how can I say otherwise? 

I need frequent reminders of this fact, but God is patient even when I am slow, and he shows me over and over again how deep his love for me is. Perhaps one day I will understand and believe it to my very core for myself. I can easily see the worth of other, and tell them how special and beautiful and loved they are, but I still need some work to believe it for myself. Maybe that's why I keep having it brought to my attention. 

Winter into Spring

I read a description of life and death the other day, and it stuck with me. It said that life; this life, we in now, is like winter, and what comes after this life (heaven) is spring. It seemed like such a great picture.
Now, I love winter, but I can understand what this shows. Winter is not something to be hated and dreaded. Yes, it is cold, and all of the flowers and trees are dead and bare, but that doesn't mean it's bad, or it is something that we should try to sleep through. My Mom does not like the winter. If she could, she would hibernate like a bear, and only come out once it is spring. And there are load of people that feel that way.
There are people as well who feel that way about life. They say that as they are not meant ultimately for this world, they will just get by and wait for the spring. Why bother with life if your goal is heaven?
But God chose to put us on earth for a reason. If he wanted to, he could have made you and plunked you down in heaven. He could have skipped the whole earth thing. But he didn't. And because he didn't, that shows me that he wants us here.
So WAKE UP!!! Enjoy the beauty of the winter while you're in it! Have you ever walked outside on a gorgeous winter day, when there is fresh snow on the ground, and the sky is such a brilliant blue that it dazzles your eyes? You walk through the snow, and it muffles every sound, making everything feel intense and solemn, but you can't help giggling with pure joy as you watch sparkles from the sunlight swirl across the snow, turning it into your own mid-day fireworks show. Maybe you walk alone, or you have a snowball fight with your friends, or play in the snow with your dog. And then, at the end of the day, you curl up with cocoa and a good book or movie.
But see, if you had skipped winter, you would have missed the exquisite beauty of a day such as this. You could have every lovely spring day, but still, you would have missed out on the wonder that God made for you. Just like you miss out on the wonder he has created for this life if you try to sleep through this life in order to just wait for heaven. 

Seriously now???

Have you ever noticed how the days you expect to be totally chill often are anything but? Sometimes I wonder why I try to plans days like that. Perhaps it would be wiser to just plan to have hectic days and then enjoy the peaceful ones when they come.
You know a day is going to be rough when it starts out with a phone call saying, "The horses are out...The ponies are down by the village grazing, but Shadow and Firefly are nowhere to be found." Of course, I was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that the ponies were easy to catch, and Shadow and Firefly happened to be hiding out in the stall, and hadn't even left the pen. Oh was I lulled. It looked like the rest of the day was going to be easy. Hannah was supposed to come out and ride with me; we were going to go on one of the most beautiful trails I know of, I had chai and biscuits for our snack while we were out, and all of the horses were where they were supposed to be. What could go wrong?
I'll admit, I probably got a little cocky about how smooth the day was going to go.
Hannah came out (after a little mix-up because people in the office still thought the horses were missing...), and we saddled up our ponies. She was on Shadow, I took Firefly, and we were off for an epic adventure. At this point however, we didn't realize just how epic the day would turn out to be.
We moseyed along, not moving too quickly on account of the traffic (nearing the end of tourist season, but still pretty busy), and discussed our life stories and whatnot. Seriously...as we started riding, I asked her what her life story was, and she told me the nutshell version of it.
We went down the road a couple of ks or so (saw some giant squirrels and normal sized monkeys), and then turned off into the woods. Oh man, the woods are so beautiful. We went up the trail, weaving among the trees, trying to encourage the horses that they could indeed get through the gaps between the trees, and generally having a good ride. We had reached a bit where it flattens out for a while, and we were almost to the place where we could see some really nice views, when I heard Hannah's voice behind me. She said, "Laura, Shadow is acting really weird." I turned to see what was up, expecting to see him getting upset about a fly, or just being lazy and trying to stop and stand rather than walking. Instead, I saw him dropping to the ground, and Hannah jumping off of his back as he began to roll.
We both immediately knew what was up. Colic. A horseperson's nightmare. Something Shadow has issues with frequently, but I have never seen it come on so quickly.
We were in a grove of pine trees, fortunately one that had enough room that Shadow didn't get stuck when he went down to roll. Hannah pulled Shadow up as I jumped off of Firefly and ran over, but by the time I got to him, he had dropped again. With a horse that is colicking, rolling is one of the worst things they can do. Their intestines can get twisted, and once that happens, there is no hope for the horse.
Hannah and I each had a split second of panic (both of us have had horses we cared for die from colic, and it's a hard thing to go through), but then common sense kicked in, and we knew we just needed to get Shadow down the mountain and out of the woods as fast as possible.
We started down, but had a hard time finding the right trail. I grabbed Shadow so we could go in front, while Hannah took Firefly. I wasn't sure how Firefly would do. We were going really fast across sections of slippery rock that he always wants to gingerly pick his way across, and going through brush and tree branches that were catching him in the face and snagging his saddle. This was one of those moments though that he understood that his cooperation was vital, and he was a trooper and did exactly what was asked of him without balking at all. As Hannah kept saying every few minutes, "He was a total Stud!".
As we booked it down the mountain, Shadow was not doing well. He would grunt in pain with every step we took, and he was totally soaked with sweat. I loosened his saddle, but he was still in so much pain. Hannah and I both were praying crazy hard, pleading for Shadow's life. In spite of how serious everything was, I had to laugh a little at Hannah as she prayed. Here we were, on the side of a mountain, running to save Shadow's life, and she was yelling prayers as we ran. There was no subtlety at all. She was completely serious in her prayers, which was awesome. Usually when I hear someone yelling prayers, there is at least a little goofiness involved, but she was just praying, and didn't care if anyone thought she was mad.
Finally, we got to the road, and we were able to slow to a more reasonable pace. We had quite a ways to go though, and Shadow was still in quite a bit of pain. So we walked. And we hoped and prayed that he wouldn't drop again. A let me tell you, those prayers worked. About halfway back, his breathing started to even out, and he stopped sweating. By the time we turned off the road to go down the trail to the horse property, he was trying to pull me over to patches of grass so he could graze. We were finally able to breathe a little easier too.
After watching Shadow for a while, we determined that he was indeed feeling better. He rolled once in the arena, but it was his usual post-ride roll in the dirt (can't let that white coat look too clean...), and walked to the corner for a snooze. We had our chai and biscuits while we watched him (realized how desperately I needed the sugar as my adrenaline high began to fade), then headed back to town.
It was a weird feeling as we finished off the day. One of those situations where you don't know if you are going to burst into tears, or start laughing. There was a lot of random giggling coming from both of us as we tried to process. We couldn't stop talking about it either. We asked questions, "How didn't we realize he was about to colic?" "What should we have done.". We discussed what happened, what we did right, what the horses did right ("Firefly was a STUD!"). We just pretty well jabbered about it the whole way back to the office.
We thought our day was going to be a nice chill day, but it wasn't. However, it could have been so much worse. If not for the grace of God, we could have been walking back in tears after watching Shadow die. Or we could have gotten him back to the house only to find that he had colicked too badly and there was nothing we could do to save him. I've never seen any horse colic that quickly, but I have also never seen Shadow snap out of it that fast. Any of the 4 of us could have been injured on our mad dash down the mountain, or Firefly could have planted his feet and simply refused to move. But none of that happened. Despite the fact that the day did not go as we planned, God was with us, protecting us, and protecting Shadow. I was reminded that day of the fact that I have no real say in the way things go. I can plan and plan and plan, and no matter how perfect I think my planning is, something can come along to change it. But I was also reminded of the faithfulness of God, and the fact that he loves me more than I can imagine, and he even loves the horses, and cares for them.

There's this boy...

There's this boy that I miss more than you know. I could be coy right now, and not say who it is. I could let you guess and try to figure it out. Perhaps you would think it was an ex, or a childhood friend. Who knows what you would think. So I'll just tell you from the start (or close to the start).
It's my brother. This boy that I miss so much is the boy that I've known the longest. I'm not going to get all mushy and say we've been best friends for our whole lives. We've fought a lot, and there have been times I've been ready to disown him. But at the end of the day, he is my brother, and I've always known that we loved each other, and I knew that he would be there for me.
But now that's not true. Oh, I still love him, I still hope to be friends with him. But I've very nearly given up on that. Lately, he's pretty much not speaking to me anymore. I really fought for our friendship for a while, and that usually ended poorly, with him getting mad at me, or me getting upset because he ignored me. So I gave up.
It's not that I don't care. Honestly, I would say it's because I care too much, and it wasn't really healthy. I ended up far too involved, and invested. Not that I think it's wrong to be involved with family, but at some points, there comes a time when you have to let go.
So I am letting go. I am trusting God to work things out according to his plan. I am not going to keep trying to force life into my little box. The circumstances that I hate and don't understand right now are all in his plans, and one day, I will see a reason for everything. 

Spiderwebs

I just rescued a firefly from a spiderweb (yeah, that's what happens when I am up in the middle of the night due to jet lag :~) ), and it made me think.
See, I was trying to help this firefly. Its front 4 legs, and both antennae were tied together by this web, and it had no hope of getting out. So, using a pin, I started to remove the web from its legs. I didn't expect it to be too hard, just a little bit of web, but the way the bug was struggling, it was actually a bit of a challenge to get the web untangled without impaling it. I wished I could tell it to stop fighting, and that the fighting was just making everything worse. It was making no progress, but instead was making things hard for me.
And I thought how much like that bug I am. I get into bad situations, where I don't know what to do, and I try to fix everything on my own. I'm thrashing around, helping no one, and getting in the way of what God is trying to do. The main difference is that the firefly doesn't understand what he is doing. He didn't realize that I was trying to help him. As far as he knew, there was no way that he was getting out of that web unless he did all of the work by himself.
But I know better than that. I know that God wants to help me, and I know that I need to depend on him. Not that I need to stop doing anything, that won't work, but I need to know what God wants me to do, and stop trying to struggle against him. I need to trust, and know when to wait on him, and when to take action. And of course, I need to listen to God to know what action to take. Basically, I need to be wiser than a bug. We'll see if I manage that :~)