God Dances

God dances over us! How stinking amazing is that?!?!? The Lord of Heaven and Earth rejoices because of me!!! 

I've noticed that this is something that comes up frequently when I'm praying, or when I am supposed to do a  Bible study. And it really just hit me! He loves me so much!!! I just don't get it. There is NO reason that God should feel this way toward me. And I think that the reason it is so important for me to share it is because I am realizing how important it is in my life, and I want others to feel that love and know how important they are too. 

There are moments where I feel worthless and I can't understand how anyone could care about me, or want me. But if God feels that way about me, who am I to say no one else can feel that way? Who am I to say that I don't even feel worthy of anyone's love? If God says that I am worth His time, how can I say otherwise? 

I need frequent reminders of this fact, but God is patient even when I am slow, and he shows me over and over again how deep his love for me is. Perhaps one day I will understand and believe it to my very core for myself. I can easily see the worth of other, and tell them how special and beautiful and loved they are, but I still need some work to believe it for myself. Maybe that's why I keep having it brought to my attention. 

Winter into Spring

I read a description of life and death the other day, and it stuck with me. It said that life; this life, we in now, is like winter, and what comes after this life (heaven) is spring. It seemed like such a great picture.
Now, I love winter, but I can understand what this shows. Winter is not something to be hated and dreaded. Yes, it is cold, and all of the flowers and trees are dead and bare, but that doesn't mean it's bad, or it is something that we should try to sleep through. My Mom does not like the winter. If she could, she would hibernate like a bear, and only come out once it is spring. And there are load of people that feel that way.
There are people as well who feel that way about life. They say that as they are not meant ultimately for this world, they will just get by and wait for the spring. Why bother with life if your goal is heaven?
But God chose to put us on earth for a reason. If he wanted to, he could have made you and plunked you down in heaven. He could have skipped the whole earth thing. But he didn't. And because he didn't, that shows me that he wants us here.
So WAKE UP!!! Enjoy the beauty of the winter while you're in it! Have you ever walked outside on a gorgeous winter day, when there is fresh snow on the ground, and the sky is such a brilliant blue that it dazzles your eyes? You walk through the snow, and it muffles every sound, making everything feel intense and solemn, but you can't help giggling with pure joy as you watch sparkles from the sunlight swirl across the snow, turning it into your own mid-day fireworks show. Maybe you walk alone, or you have a snowball fight with your friends, or play in the snow with your dog. And then, at the end of the day, you curl up with cocoa and a good book or movie.
But see, if you had skipped winter, you would have missed the exquisite beauty of a day such as this. You could have every lovely spring day, but still, you would have missed out on the wonder that God made for you. Just like you miss out on the wonder he has created for this life if you try to sleep through this life in order to just wait for heaven. 

Seriously now???

Have you ever noticed how the days you expect to be totally chill often are anything but? Sometimes I wonder why I try to plans days like that. Perhaps it would be wiser to just plan to have hectic days and then enjoy the peaceful ones when they come.
You know a day is going to be rough when it starts out with a phone call saying, "The horses are out...The ponies are down by the village grazing, but Shadow and Firefly are nowhere to be found." Of course, I was lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that the ponies were easy to catch, and Shadow and Firefly happened to be hiding out in the stall, and hadn't even left the pen. Oh was I lulled. It looked like the rest of the day was going to be easy. Hannah was supposed to come out and ride with me; we were going to go on one of the most beautiful trails I know of, I had chai and biscuits for our snack while we were out, and all of the horses were where they were supposed to be. What could go wrong?
I'll admit, I probably got a little cocky about how smooth the day was going to go.
Hannah came out (after a little mix-up because people in the office still thought the horses were missing...), and we saddled up our ponies. She was on Shadow, I took Firefly, and we were off for an epic adventure. At this point however, we didn't realize just how epic the day would turn out to be.
We moseyed along, not moving too quickly on account of the traffic (nearing the end of tourist season, but still pretty busy), and discussed our life stories and whatnot. Seriously...as we started riding, I asked her what her life story was, and she told me the nutshell version of it.
We went down the road a couple of ks or so (saw some giant squirrels and normal sized monkeys), and then turned off into the woods. Oh man, the woods are so beautiful. We went up the trail, weaving among the trees, trying to encourage the horses that they could indeed get through the gaps between the trees, and generally having a good ride. We had reached a bit where it flattens out for a while, and we were almost to the place where we could see some really nice views, when I heard Hannah's voice behind me. She said, "Laura, Shadow is acting really weird." I turned to see what was up, expecting to see him getting upset about a fly, or just being lazy and trying to stop and stand rather than walking. Instead, I saw him dropping to the ground, and Hannah jumping off of his back as he began to roll.
We both immediately knew what was up. Colic. A horseperson's nightmare. Something Shadow has issues with frequently, but I have never seen it come on so quickly.
We were in a grove of pine trees, fortunately one that had enough room that Shadow didn't get stuck when he went down to roll. Hannah pulled Shadow up as I jumped off of Firefly and ran over, but by the time I got to him, he had dropped again. With a horse that is colicking, rolling is one of the worst things they can do. Their intestines can get twisted, and once that happens, there is no hope for the horse.
Hannah and I each had a split second of panic (both of us have had horses we cared for die from colic, and it's a hard thing to go through), but then common sense kicked in, and we knew we just needed to get Shadow down the mountain and out of the woods as fast as possible.
We started down, but had a hard time finding the right trail. I grabbed Shadow so we could go in front, while Hannah took Firefly. I wasn't sure how Firefly would do. We were going really fast across sections of slippery rock that he always wants to gingerly pick his way across, and going through brush and tree branches that were catching him in the face and snagging his saddle. This was one of those moments though that he understood that his cooperation was vital, and he was a trooper and did exactly what was asked of him without balking at all. As Hannah kept saying every few minutes, "He was a total Stud!".
As we booked it down the mountain, Shadow was not doing well. He would grunt in pain with every step we took, and he was totally soaked with sweat. I loosened his saddle, but he was still in so much pain. Hannah and I both were praying crazy hard, pleading for Shadow's life. In spite of how serious everything was, I had to laugh a little at Hannah as she prayed. Here we were, on the side of a mountain, running to save Shadow's life, and she was yelling prayers as we ran. There was no subtlety at all. She was completely serious in her prayers, which was awesome. Usually when I hear someone yelling prayers, there is at least a little goofiness involved, but she was just praying, and didn't care if anyone thought she was mad.
Finally, we got to the road, and we were able to slow to a more reasonable pace. We had quite a ways to go though, and Shadow was still in quite a bit of pain. So we walked. And we hoped and prayed that he wouldn't drop again. A let me tell you, those prayers worked. About halfway back, his breathing started to even out, and he stopped sweating. By the time we turned off the road to go down the trail to the horse property, he was trying to pull me over to patches of grass so he could graze. We were finally able to breathe a little easier too.
After watching Shadow for a while, we determined that he was indeed feeling better. He rolled once in the arena, but it was his usual post-ride roll in the dirt (can't let that white coat look too clean...), and walked to the corner for a snooze. We had our chai and biscuits while we watched him (realized how desperately I needed the sugar as my adrenaline high began to fade), then headed back to town.
It was a weird feeling as we finished off the day. One of those situations where you don't know if you are going to burst into tears, or start laughing. There was a lot of random giggling coming from both of us as we tried to process. We couldn't stop talking about it either. We asked questions, "How didn't we realize he was about to colic?" "What should we have done.". We discussed what happened, what we did right, what the horses did right ("Firefly was a STUD!"). We just pretty well jabbered about it the whole way back to the office.
We thought our day was going to be a nice chill day, but it wasn't. However, it could have been so much worse. If not for the grace of God, we could have been walking back in tears after watching Shadow die. Or we could have gotten him back to the house only to find that he had colicked too badly and there was nothing we could do to save him. I've never seen any horse colic that quickly, but I have also never seen Shadow snap out of it that fast. Any of the 4 of us could have been injured on our mad dash down the mountain, or Firefly could have planted his feet and simply refused to move. But none of that happened. Despite the fact that the day did not go as we planned, God was with us, protecting us, and protecting Shadow. I was reminded that day of the fact that I have no real say in the way things go. I can plan and plan and plan, and no matter how perfect I think my planning is, something can come along to change it. But I was also reminded of the faithfulness of God, and the fact that he loves me more than I can imagine, and he even loves the horses, and cares for them.

There's this boy...

There's this boy that I miss more than you know. I could be coy right now, and not say who it is. I could let you guess and try to figure it out. Perhaps you would think it was an ex, or a childhood friend. Who knows what you would think. So I'll just tell you from the start (or close to the start).
It's my brother. This boy that I miss so much is the boy that I've known the longest. I'm not going to get all mushy and say we've been best friends for our whole lives. We've fought a lot, and there have been times I've been ready to disown him. But at the end of the day, he is my brother, and I've always known that we loved each other, and I knew that he would be there for me.
But now that's not true. Oh, I still love him, I still hope to be friends with him. But I've very nearly given up on that. Lately, he's pretty much not speaking to me anymore. I really fought for our friendship for a while, and that usually ended poorly, with him getting mad at me, or me getting upset because he ignored me. So I gave up.
It's not that I don't care. Honestly, I would say it's because I care too much, and it wasn't really healthy. I ended up far too involved, and invested. Not that I think it's wrong to be involved with family, but at some points, there comes a time when you have to let go.
So I am letting go. I am trusting God to work things out according to his plan. I am not going to keep trying to force life into my little box. The circumstances that I hate and don't understand right now are all in his plans, and one day, I will see a reason for everything. 

Spiderwebs

I just rescued a firefly from a spiderweb (yeah, that's what happens when I am up in the middle of the night due to jet lag :~) ), and it made me think.
See, I was trying to help this firefly. Its front 4 legs, and both antennae were tied together by this web, and it had no hope of getting out. So, using a pin, I started to remove the web from its legs. I didn't expect it to be too hard, just a little bit of web, but the way the bug was struggling, it was actually a bit of a challenge to get the web untangled without impaling it. I wished I could tell it to stop fighting, and that the fighting was just making everything worse. It was making no progress, but instead was making things hard for me.
And I thought how much like that bug I am. I get into bad situations, where I don't know what to do, and I try to fix everything on my own. I'm thrashing around, helping no one, and getting in the way of what God is trying to do. The main difference is that the firefly doesn't understand what he is doing. He didn't realize that I was trying to help him. As far as he knew, there was no way that he was getting out of that web unless he did all of the work by himself.
But I know better than that. I know that God wants to help me, and I know that I need to depend on him. Not that I need to stop doing anything, that won't work, but I need to know what God wants me to do, and stop trying to struggle against him. I need to trust, and know when to wait on him, and when to take action. And of course, I need to listen to God to know what action to take. Basically, I need to be wiser than a bug. We'll see if I manage that :~)

Love in Spite of

In 2009, I had my 1st experience with Leg Up in Ooty. At that point, there were only 3 ponies; Lily, Hercules, and Orion. And only one of those ponies was truly ride-able. Orion was still too young, and Hercules just hadn't had a lot of work. Hercules became one of my projects that year, because I was just lightweight enough to ride him, but big enough to sort of control him. Sort of.

Hercules had this trick he liked to pull when he didn't want to go where he was asked to go. He would pull his head down and to the left as hard as he possibly could, trying to pull his rider over off balance so they would let go of the reins. The biggest problem with this was that Hercules was not concerned by the fact that this pulled him off balance just as badly as it did his rider. So we would be standing on the edge of a road right by a drop-off, and he would be thrashing around, making himself stumble all over the place. The possibility that we would hurtle to our deaths did not deter him in the least. Of course, he is half-blind, so perhaps he was just unaware. Suffice it to say though, that he was not very pleasant to ride.

And he really didn't improve a lot over the next few years. Oh, he was ridden, but it was never a case of someone saying, "Oh my! I want to ride Hercules!" And he never seemed to be terribly keen on being ridden, whether for therapy, or just for pleasure. It just wasn't his thing. Some horses enjoy being ridden, while some aren't too interested.

But there seemed to be nothing that he really enjoyed. Unless it was hanging out in the pasture and chasing anything smaller than him. He really needed something to do. Horses, in spite of the fact that they sometimes try to convince us otherwise, are actually happier when they have something useful to do.

Somehow though, I found myself absolutely loving Hercules. He was a pain, and acted like a brat half the time, but I felt drawn to him. I really wanted him to enjoy work, and I wanted to be able to enjoy working with him. But we just weren't sure what to do.But still, any time I needed a pony to just cuddle with, he was my choice.

Suddenly though, we had a new option given to us. While Mala was in the States, she got a pony harness. Hercules was the logical candidate to learn to drive. He was the only one that wasn't useful as a riding horse (At the time, we thought Orion was dead), and he was in desperate need of something to do. We did not have the harness yet (it was on it's way. Mala didn't have room to bring it back with her), but I used that month while we waited for the harness to ground drive and lunge him, teaching him the basics, and teaching him to respond to voice commands. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he picked up quickly on what I was teaching him. It was especially nice as I was making up half of it as I went along. I knew the basic idea of what I was trying to do, but had never taught a horse to drive. I was praying I didn't completely fail. It was a little nerve wracking. Of course, I went into it saying, "Oh yeah, I can do this." and hoped I was telling the truth :~)
To be quite honest, I was a little shocked by how quickly Herc picked up on what I was teaching him. Especially since we were learning together. And he seemed to be enjoying himself. That was the really cool part.
I took a couple of trips down the mountain to find a cart that would fit Hercules. We needed something that was within our price range, and as lightweight as we could find since it will mostly be used on hills. The successful trip ended up being lasting from about 9:30 am til about 2:30 am the next morning. But we had our cart! And it looked amazing. And we got the harness that same day. Things were coming together.
I put the harness on Herc, and he was adorable, but then we went to camp before I had a chance to hitch him to the cart. I was a little concerned that he would be scared of the cart, and all of my work would be for nothing. I was super excited to hitch him to the cart, but a little apprehensive at the same time.
And finally, the day came. With Mala's help, I got Hercules hitched to the cart, and he acted like it was nothing. I ground drove him around the ring with the cart attached, and he barely even seemed to notice it. Then I got in the cart. And he acted like he had been pulling the cart for ages rather than just a few seconds. I drove him around for a while, and he seemed very eager and excited and not at all nervous. He stumbled a couple of times as he got used to pulling the cart, and the way that it felt when a wheel hit a rock, but he quickly found his stride again. I was crazy proud of him. It was incredible. Mala drove him, then went up to get Abbi so that she had a chance to drive. He listened so well no matter who was driving him, and pulled Abbi and me together without any problem.

And he has progressed since then. We drive out on the road, and though he still is a bit frightened of buses and huge trucks (the boy is half blind, and they make terrible noises as they come hurtling toward us. He probably thinks they're dragons coming to eat him or something), we are working on getting him over that, and he is doing better. I was a little concerned that he would decide he didn't like me as I am the one who made him do all of this work, but he is even friendlier toward me than he has ever been. He whickers at me, and comes to me just to cuddle for a little while. It's really neat, because now, that affection I felt for him is joined by pride I feel for the progress he has made, and the work we have done together. It is so nice to see him being useful, and enjoying himself as he is useful.

I was telling Mala the other day that it is ironic that Hercules would be the one I worked with so much this trip considering the fact that I liked him even when there was really no reason to like him. And now there are reasons to like him, and I like him all the more for it. But I still love the little knock-kneed, half blind pony that is a complete stinker when he wants to be. Useful or useless, I love him in spite of all the reasons I shouldn't.  

Dust?

I close my eyes
only for a moment
and the moment's gone
all my dreams
pass before my eyes in curiosity
dust in the wind,
all they are is dust in the wind 

Same old song,
just a drop of water
in an endless sea
all we do,
crumbles to the ground
though we refuse to see
dust in the wind,
all we are is dust in the wind 

Don't hang on
nothing lasts forever
but the earth and sky
it slips away
and all your money,
won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind
all we are is dust in the wind
dust in the wind
everything is dust in the wind 
dust in the wind


This song used to really, really bother me. I hated the thought that we were dust in the wind. I was having a real struggle at that point with my faith, and figuring out what I believed, and going through a tough time of questioning God. It got to the point that if Dust in the Wind came on the radio, I would freak out until it was changed. Which really made Carla mad because she liked it a lot. 
Then I had myself convinced for a while that the song was totally wrong. We're not dust in the wind, because we have God who gives meaning to our lives. But even that thinking was a bit skewed. So here is my opinion of Dust in the Wind now. 
For the most part, the song is true. Moments don't last. The things that we build don't last. For example, I have spent a lot of time teaching Hercules to drive in the last couple of months. And I and other people will spend a lot more time working with him. And one day, he's gonna die, and all of that work will be totally obsolete. Not to be negative, that's just the truth. 
If you miss the moments in your life, your money won't buy you any more. But that isn't the end. The earth and sky are not the only things that last forever, and that is where we have hope that is not mentioned in this song. The physical things that we do will not last. They will fade like flowers, and blow away like the dust. But if we make a spiritual impact through the physical things that we do, that will not fade away. 
So much of what I worry about are things that will crumble away. And why do I worry about them? I don't worry about the dust in the arena that I walk through every day. I need to learn how to focus on the things that matter, not that which will blow away. It's hard. Sometimes the "right now" seems like it will be important forever. But if I only have so many moments, I want to spend this fleeting time pursuing things that will last. In that way, I can make each fleeting moment into something that will last. It's like Rumpelstiltskin turning straw into gold. And gold is something that will last rather than blowing away.