Gazing Upon the Stars

"A philosopher once asked, "Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?""
I was sitting out on the tennis court earlier tonight, stargazing, and thinking about the unstoppability of life as the stars dipped closer to the horizon and disappeared from view. One might say that stargazing makes you feel how insignificant you are. But it shows me that I have significance. 
Revelations 4:11 says Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.
Everything; the stars, people, all of the amazing things I see every day, it was all created for God's pleasure. But he allows me to share in it, and to take pleasure. And I believe that he takes joy in my pleasure also. He could have made me like a servant, only here to do his bidding, and my happiness wouldn't come into play at all. But he didn't. He made it so that I get enjoyment out of the things that he has made. I love to watch the stars, and I love to hear a baby giggle, and I love riding horses in the mountains. And my joy makes him happy. 
God is not selfish in that way. He is selfish for us. He wants people to all belong to him, but everything else he has made, he wants to share. And he uses it to call us closer to him. It's so much easier sometimes to feel the presence of God when you're sitting on the beach in the moonlight, or up a mountain, or sitting in a massive thunderstorm. When you see his power, and all he has made, you feel him. 
And so I watch the stars. Not because it makes me feel little, but because it reminds me what a great God I serve, and how much he loves me. 

Solitary

One thing I have been struggling a lot with lately is feeling alone. It's kinda crazy, because there is facebook and email, and various ways to stay in touch with people. But that almost makes it worse, since even with the ease, I scarcely hear from people. And I feel forgotten. Sometimes I feel like there isn't anyone at home who knows where I am. Sometimes I initiate contact, but if I don't, nothing happens, and I talk only to my family. Which I like to do. But sometimes it stinks to not have anyone else to talk to.
It's hard when every time I leave, people are like, "No!!! Don't leave! I'll miss you so much!", but then when I'm gone, it's as though we never met in the first place. And then I return home, and they talk about how much they missed me, and they're happy to have me home.
I don't know. Maybe I am just being weird right now. But maybe not. It seems to be what regularly happens. I would love to know that there are people I can depend on no matter where on earth I am. It's hard to really make close friends here since I am working apart from the other volunteers most of the time. I enjoy spending time with people here, but it's not the type of friendship where I feel like I can share my heart, and have true closeness.
I'm not one for being around people all the time. If you know me at all, you know that. You know that I like my solitude. But sometimes I just want to sit down and have a long chat with someone about things that really matter. And not feel like I am imposing on their time. Now of course, this would be far better sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee or cocoa or something, But you can't have everything.
Sorry if this is too negative or depressing. I am not trying to guilt people, and I almost didn't even post anything, but when I decided to blog during this trip, I decided I wanted to be honest and open about both the good and the bad. And there's been bad that I haven't shared, so I figured it was about time that I actually was honest about my struggles. 

Choosing Loss

I am still trying to figure out why I make the choices that I make. I hate loss. Not losing, like in a competition, but losing those that I love. Whether human or animal. But the choices I make lead to loss. I was especially thinking about the area of owning horses. Those of you who know me know that horses are a huge part of my life. I have owned a few, and worked with many others. And now I am looking for another since Skye died. But then I shake my head and ask why on earth I would even consider getting a new horse.

The personality that horses have, combined with the length of their lives, gives one a chance to truly love them. The social structure of horses resembles that of humans. That is one reason that they are good to use for therapy here. The girls are able to see the way the horses interact, and learn lessons from that. This also makes it easier for a person to closely connect to a horse. Sometimes, when all else fails, and nothing in life makes sense, a good ride, or a long grooming session can help everything to stop whirling out of control. I've heard it said that horses are the best therapists.

Horses are also amazing friends. They are very blunt and honest about their feelings toward you. I hate two-faced people. I can't stand it when I don't know where I stand with someone. But with a horse, if they like you, they whicker at you, they practically climb in your pockets, they show that they like you. And if they don't like you, they run from you and kick you. And horses, especially those who are close to you, can sense your emotions, and respond to those. I have seen aloof horses that are willing to cuddle when their owner is distraught. I have seen hyperactive horses that will behave perfectly with a disabled rider.

So to get back on track, all of these things (and so much more) are what draw me to horses. But it is also what makes it so hard to lose a horse. It is harder to lose a horse than to lose any other kind of animal (to me at least). Yet, every time I decide to get a horse, I am setting myself up for that loss. Even if a horse lives to be really old, they're still only going to be maybe 40 or so. That means that unless something weird happens to me, I will outlive any horse I get. And I will have to go through that loss again. I've experienced it 3 times already with horses that were very dear to me, and it doesn't get any easier.

And yet, I choose that path that leads to loss again. Why? I read this quote in a book recently, "Remember that the price love asks may be high, but there's a dern good reason most people are willing to pay it over and over again. The ones who pay will know what they could've missed." I would rather experience love and lose that which I love than not experience love at all. So I keep choosing that path.

Don't need no stinkin' cowboy...

Don't worry. My grammar hasn't gone that far downhill during my time in India. The title is a quote from a t-shirt that is sold in tack catalogues. It says, "Got my horse, got my dog, don't need no stinkin' cowboy."
And that's just how I used to feel. Not necessarily about cowboys, but about people in general. I felt like, so long as I had horses around, I didn't need people. But that's not the case anymore.
Oh, I still love horses, and think they make way more sense than the average person (they're more honest if nothing else...), but they aren't all that I need in my life. I love working with the horses here, but I miss helping people 1 on 1. I miss being there for my students and friends. I absolutely love Saturdays when the Smyrna kids come for therapy. To see their smiles as they benefit from their time with the horses is great.
I know that what I am doing here is useful, but I wish there was more of a chance to see my impact. And maybe that's the point; to continue faithfully even when I don't see what is coming of the things I am doing.
You may have your horse and your dog, but ultimately, we all still need people.

Listening

I feel like I have grown a lot in the past couple of years. And it has been the kind of growth that really hurts for one reason or another. I lost my best friend, which I'm still hurt and confused about, the whole VT thing was nowhere near what I hoped for, and I watched my horse die after I tried for nearly 30 hours to save him. Among other things.
In the midst of it all, I've been crying out to God. Not blaming him, but asking him to take away the pain, and asking him to make it make sense. And often, it feels as though he is there, and is listening, but is not doing anything.
Then I wonder if I am yelling too loud as I cry to him. Can I not hear him? Am I pursuing him, but not pausing to see how he is pursuing me? Maybe I am allowed to have sorrow in my life so he can comfort me. Maybe there is confusion so he can make things clear to me, but I need to stop and listen. And allow God to be everything he is to me. Not just a listener, but a comforter and a counselor. I go to people I trust for counsel, but who better to go to than the one who already knows what my future holds?

Things I miss

Notice in the title, I say things. Not people. So don't think I am just being materialistic and that I only miss things. I was thinking yesterday about certain conveniences that I really don't think about while I am at home, or that annoy me when I am home. But when I am gone, I realize just how much they make my life easier. So here are some of them that I have thought of recently.

Cars-Normally, I am not a fan of cars. I don't like driving, gas is expensive, and they pollute the air. But oh my goodness, they make life so much easier. It takes me several times longer to get anywhere here. I don't mind the walking so much, though sometimes I get very tired. But when it is too long to walk, waiting on the bus becomes rather a hassle. It makes me miss the ease of just walking outside, jumping in the car (preferably with someone else driving, but either way), and going where I need to go. I don't need to worry about arriving late because the bus is late for whatever reason, and I don't have to get to the bus stop early in case (miracles of miracles) the bus is early.
The bus is however a far more social experience than riding in a car. As long as it is kept appropriate, I actually rather enjoy spending the time with people.

Convenient food-I don't even have a microwave, but it's so easy to take a piece of pizza (made on our spinny pizza maker) and pop it in the toaster oven, and pretty soon, it's warm and the cheese is melted, and it's ready to eat.

In the same vein...Ovens-Most people here don't have ovens, and where there are ovens, they're not so great. It either takes forever to bake something, or the oven burns whatever you're making. I really enjoy cooking on the stove, but there's something to be said about being able to bake cookies whenever you feel like it.

Long showers-I guess I should clarify. I can take long showers if I please. However, what I miss are long showers that remain hot for longer than 3 minutes. I am becoming an expert at super fast showers.

Water-Obviously we have water here, but I am talking about 2 specific types of water. First, drinking water that comes out of the tap. Water I can brush my teeth with without bringing a bottle of water into the bathroom with me. I guess I could, but I don't want anymore intestinal parasites than those I have already probably picked up. Oops...that was probably TMI :~) I also miss having hot water that comes out of a tap. It's so much easier to wash dishes when I don't have to haul hot water.

Washing machine-There's a machine at Farley, but you have to haul water to it, and then haul the water away also. There are other places I can have my clothes washed, but I have to carry my clothes quite a ways. A washing machine in the house is a lovely thing. I'm not so concerned about the dryer. I am totally fine hanging my clothes to dry, but having a washer that is close by that I don't have to carry water for is nice.

I'm sure I could think of a lot more things, but those are the main things that make my life easier.

Alone, yet not alone am I

I’m in the homesick period of my trip. Luckily for me, I tend to be homesick for roughly the 1^st 2 weeks of my trip, and then I am fine. I still miss home, but it’s not really what I would call homesickness. It’s more of a dull ache. Like when you strain a muscle, and the pain doesn’t keep you from doing anything, but you feel it there constantly. That’s about how my loneliness feels.

I think things are compounded by the fact that when I left, I was still trying to resign myself to the fact that Skye is gone. Skye is my horse that died less than a week before I left home for anyone that doesn’t know. Usually, I can lessen the amount that the loneliness bothers me by saying, ‘eh, it won’t be that long til I see them again.’ But with Skye, that is not the case. He won’t be there when I get home. And I really didn’t have the time to get my mind used to that fact before I left. Which makes it a lot harder. Some part of me is still going to expect him to be there when I get home.

I’m really enjoying my time here in Mumbai, and I am looking forward to getting to Ooty, but I am also hoping that my homesickness goes away quickly like it often does. People seem to think that I don’t miss anyone or anything while I am gone. I am having adventures, so who cares about people? But that is not the case. It’s actually fairly hard for me to leave. I go because I love to travel, and I know that it is what I am supposed to be doing, but it’s not just all easy.

But I know I am not alone. No matter where I am, God is with me. I sometimes have to remind myself of that when I have those moments where I feel like I am surrounded, but at the same time, I am totally alone. There are people all around me, but no one who actually knows me, or truly cares. But the one who is always with me, knows me more deeply than anyone else ever could, and he cares about me more truly than anyone ever has or will. And while it would be nice to have a physical person who could travel with me, I have the one that I really need already with me.